HoloAdvent (A Hololive fanfic) *Completed*

Chapter 5

In the quiet serenity of the cemetery, me and my brothers, Damien and Grant gathered around a weathered gravestone, adorned with fresh flowers from an earlier visit by my dad. The late afternoon sun cast a golden hue over my mom, the little offerings surrounding rough stone. 

We weren't highly expressive but moments like these made me question if I knew my brothers well enough or not. Damien held a bouquet of lilies in his firm hands, knowing how much mom loved them ever since she was young. Grant's lips moved silently, chanting a quiet prayer only he could hear alongside the gentle wind. What did these two think of as they knelt before the grave? What had they felt as they traced the textured outlines of the grave through their reminiscing fingertips? Did they ever feel like their life was still okay after I'd been born? Had I ripped someone important away from them for something I couldn't control? 

I sometimes visualized what it would be like if it hadn't been the case. Maybe my mom would've still enjoyed these lilies. Maybe she'd have triumphed at the both of them graduating. Maybe my dad would've developed closer relationships with my brothers. I was the hurdle. As much as I didn't want to admit it. I'd been the trigger all along. I took away the cornerstone of this family. And fallen wisps from the hopeful above would do no possible feat of convincing me otherwise. 

As I fix my eyes upon the person who had probably loved me until her last breath, I tightened my fist inside my jacket, the weight of this truth holding me back from kneeling down beside my brothers. Jagged stones filled my throat, my attempts at communicating my thoughts feeble and hallowed. 

"Crill, kneel here." Damien motioned for me to get down. I quivered at first, wondering how on Earth they didn't turn like my dad who'd scorned my entire being. I complied slowly, unable to get used to this feeling of seeing my mom. I wasn't comfortable but that didn't mean I didn't love her. 

A sliver of solace crept within me when my brothers felt my presence as their own flesh and blood.

"Anything you want to say to our mom, now's a good time to say so." he said. It really was. If my dad had been here, I wouldn't have been able to stand here in mere seconds. Grant had apologized for it but I pretended to brush it off. There was no saving myself nor my dad from the guilt. 

"I..." My lips parted slightly as my shoulders visibly drooped. "I wish I could lessen my mom's pain at the time." 

"There was nothing you could do, Crill. It was... a hemorrhage. Your... Our mom accepted it but fought desperately. Naming you was the happiest moment of her life."

I looked at the grass, able to see my reflection on a nearby pond. Or was it a lake? I wasn't trying to confirm, my thoughts wanted to go elsewhere but my mind kept drifting back to the matter at hand. I knew deep inside my mom hated to leave. Maybe she blamed me at some point when she was losing consciousness. 

"Crill, a tiny entity ushered into existence. Despite its fragility and apparent weakness, it possesses an undeniable strength."

"Named after a crustacean is one thing, to actually live by it is amazing." 

"I'm not sure if that's a compliment, Damien..."

"I sometimes wondered why our mom had weird tastes with names."

"She must've looked at it beforehand and thought it was creative."

"You two will never agree with what I say but I will keep repeating it. I'm sorry, because of me, our mom is gone." I faced my brothers and looked at my mom's grave. "Based on what I've gathered from the family, not a single day went by when dad didn't seem content with mom around. You both shared a wonderful relationship with her. However, from my perspective, it often appeared quite the opposite. Dad was frequently away, and you reassured me not to be concerned. Regardless of what you two tell me, I'm always going to be a dent in the family and I prefer to stay away if all I'll do is make dad unhappy. Mom would wish the same so that no one gets hurt."