suicidal love

chapter 13

In the next morning I woke up by the sound of my alarm, and a note was placed on top of it that had the details to my first psychiatrist appointment, I didn't understand why she didn't wake me up herself;who know perhaps she was giving me the silent treatment? It wasn't until I was in the shower that I thought things through. Actually mom didn't make a big deal about me skipping dinner yesterday maybe she knew that I was feeling sad and angry and left me alone? And what's with my anxiety? I can't handle it anymore, perhaps some pills from the psychiatrist would help.
I wore my HIM shirt with a pair of jeans .
Once I was ready I picked up the note, and noticed some money underneath it which was probably for the travel.

When I reached the city I realized that it was still early, but headed toward my appointment with a doctor called Gloria. I was hoping that my earliness would earn some brownie points with mom. I got lost a few times before I finally found the large building with the name printed clearly on the window and of course I had passed it a couple of times before realizing so. Then I sat in the waiting area, for no longer than several minutes before the receptionist called my name.
Acid rose in my stomach, and I was surprised to find myself feeling rather nervous. A woman who I assumed was Gloria, came out and greeted me. She was middle aged, with brown hair that was neatly pulled back into a bun, and she was something between medium and large.
Gloria introduced herself warmly, and then led me down a hallway to a room. In the room they were two chairs and it looked something like an interrogation room. She took a seat in a chair that faced the door, and gestured for me to sit across from her.
When I did she wasted no time and started asking questions. The first few questions were simple enough , varied from my age to my family but later on in the session she moved to harder questions, that left me sitting there stumped.
"So tell me Carolina why did you slit your wrists that night?" She asked

"Is there a wrong and right answer to this?" I wondered, curious of what went on behind that clipboard she was holding. I mean she was constantly writing down notes, but her face remainded blank.

"No" she laughed "but if you tell me that you have thoughts about suicide, then I will have to contact other people , and this matter will be taken into someone else's hands. However, everything else you say in here is confidential." Gloria told me, she spoke sweetly but seemed worry about my response.

"Well, I don't have thoughts about killing myself if that what you think." I lied, but if I didn't then they would probably lock me in a straitjacket and throw me into a white, padded room somewhere.

"That's good, Carolina" Gloria replied, as she wrote something on the darn clipboard."But did u have death in mind that night?"

"Do I get in trouble if I had past thoughts about suicide?"I worried

"No that's why you're here, so we can help you" Gloria stated.
This entire session she had been asking questions, and I had been answering them in the right way they were asked. Up until now.

"Of course I had suicide in mind that night" I told her emotionless
She made a face, and I think the way I spoke so casually about my death had frightened her.

"is that the only time you have had these kind of thoughts?" She questioned as she studied me curiously
I didn't answer, instead I just showed her my wrist and left it up to her to decide. Her face changed ever so slightly as she saw my scars, but then she just continued writing.

"And what triggers these kinds of emotions?" Gloria continued the interrogation

"I was hoping you could tell me" I shrugged

Moments later the time was up, and I could see in her eyes that she wanted to keep talking to me , only God knows why. Gloria then gave me her card, which had a contact number and the details to my next session with her. After that she then handed me a script, it was hard to read her doctor-like-handwriting, but I guess her resolution was to drug me up after all. "That's a script for anti-depressants" she told me, and with that I was off.
Once I was outside the sun shined, the birds sung and I felt extremely depressed I wanted to go and buy some band merch but found myself going home.