suicidal love

chapter 17

Once I got home I was feeling tired I glanced at mom and she was still giving me the silent treatment,I don't know when for God 's sake she'll stop all I know is that I'm getting sick of it.

So I promptly ignored her as i went into the kitchen and grabbed an apple before heading upstairs to do my homework.

I had absolutely no desire to do my math homework, but I knew if I didn't do it now I would never do it so I dragged myself to my desk and began my work. And by the time I finished the sun was setting.

Easing open my window, I gingerly climbed onto my roof making sure not to slip as I made my way to the top of my house and lied down on the top, slipping in my earbuds and playing some music as I gazed at the sunset, vaguely noting its beauty before sighing.

Today was a good day, a day were I didn't dread going to school and felt safe with someone.
Tomorrow could be anything;a bad day,a good day an iffy day, any kind. My mind traveled downstairs, in our medicine cabinet, where we kept all our medication, and where my bright yellow pills were located.
They were for my anxiety, but I didn't take them, even though my mom thought I do. They do take my anxiety attacks away, but they made me sad. The side effects listed were too much; loss of weight, hallucinations, sleeplessness, and depression.

Whenever I took my pills they made me sad angry and see things.I'd rather deal with my anxiety attacks. Sometimes even though I'm off the pills now, I still feel depressed.

Right now I felt depressed and I had no idea why. All I felt doing was lying on my roof and listening to my music. As I lie here thinking about nothing in particular, my mind traveled to my computer located in my room, which I practically only use for school and YouTube videos.
As Bullet For My Valentine played on my Ipod I felt obligated to go on my computer and watch them, especially their new music video Road To Nowhere, but I couldn't bring myself to move from my spot.
The song beat began to play again and I made a quick decision before hoisting myself up.

Carefully maneuvering my way down the roof, I paused in front of my window, debating whether or not I should take something else.I decided against it and I thought a little walk around the house would be nice. Simply wrapping my sweater more tightly around me and slowly climbing into the tree next to my window.

As I rested on a branch, I glanced in the downstairs window where I saw mom on the coach fast asleep. I smiled to myself, as I climbed out of the tree landing with a practiced leap on the side walk. Slipping in my earbuds, I hastened away from my house eager to get away before mom wakes up.

Once I was a safe distance away I slowded down, ambling along, enjoying my music. I often did these little escapes whenever I felt depressed. Something about having nowhere to go but all the time to wander cheered me up.

As I walked my thoughts trailed to my pills, I didn't want to take them; I didn't enjoy feeling unhappy and insane all the time. On the other hand my mother desperately wanted me to take them, she thought they reduced my panic attacks, which they did, but she also thought theu made me happier which they didn't.
They weren't anti-depressants, they were basically calming drugs. I was an already calm person, people and crowds just made me anxious.

I sighed and turned around, ready to try and find my way back home, because it was 9:00 at night and I had school tomorrow. As I turned out, I had been circling for at least two hours. I found my house and quickly slipped my Ipod in my back pocket and hoisted myself into the tree, trying to be quite. I sighed in relief and opened my window.

I changed into my pijamas and collapsed on my bed. I knew that no one had noticed I was gone and no one probably would even figure out that that I left my house on an almost daily basis for as long as I lived here.