suicidal love

chapter 20

Destiny looked at me as he waved my notebook around.

I gulbed, having no story to back up my words.
This isn't fair I thought desperately. Out of all the people in the world to my find my notebook, it has to be Destiny, the only one to yell at me about it.

This was true, after all. My father would just hand it back to me silently, my mother would cry and them punish me for that I'd been lying to her. At least with my family I could lie.
Destiny, I had a feeling, would know if I was being truthful or not.

"Well?" Destiny said belligerently.

"I-I", I stammered, trying to think of an excuse."I-I d-d-don't"

"Dont what,Carolina?" Destiny demanded.

I shrunk back in fear. I hated being around anyone angry, as it made me feel like I was somehow going to get hurt.

Destiny raised his eyebrows accusingly, shaking my notebook in my face.

I could literally feel myself panicking, my eyes darting from my window to my door, debating which one would provide the faster escape. My breathing quickened and I could feel the inevitable run instinct kicking in, telling me to get out of here, run away and get away from whatever was making my body seize up and my lungs stop working.

Tears came to my eyes and I wailed.
"I can't take it anymore Destiny" before launching myself at Destiny, now sobbing  almost hysterically.

Destiny dropped my notebook and patted my back slowly, looking terrified. I guess he was good with people were having anxiety attacks, not people who cry into his shoulder.

"There there" he said softly. "It's gonna be fine."

"No i-it's n-n-not" I cried. "I'm not f-fine! I always s-say I'm fine, but I'm n-not!"

"Yeah" Destiny murmured, rubbing my back. "Whenever someone says they're fine, they're usually lying straight through their teeth."

I sniffed, still crying, why, I'm not exactly sure, I think all of my emotions finally just came pouring out and Destiny just happened to be nearby. Destiny simply kept patting my back softly, unsure of his actions, but helping me nonetheless.

"Shh" Destiny muttered. "Please stop crying", he added, but I don't think I was supposed to hear that part.

I swallowed hard and slowly removed myself from Destiny's arms, hiccuping and wiping my eyes. "Sorry for just breaking down" I whispered.

"Hey, it's alright" Destiny said gently. "You seemed to need a good cry". It was silent for a second until he spoke. "Do you want to tell me about your anxiety? "

I shot him a wary glance, not willing to tell him that I was lying to almost my whole family. I wasn't even willing to voice the words anxiety disorder out loud. I don't have a disorder. I just get anxiety attacks sometimes.

Destiny, noticing my expression, rephrased his question. "Not now, but did you always have anxiety?"

I shook my head. "N-No. When I was younger, I was f-fine. But then I started s-school, and my attacks started."

"Why?" Destiny asked curiously, sitting down on my bed.

"I d-don't know" I admitted. "I-I think it was because I d-din't have any friends and I used to get bullied sometimes".

"So you've had attacks ever since?" Destiny questioned.

"Yeah", I answered. "I get nervous around people, and I don't like crowded places."

"That sounds like you have just some people problems", Destiny joked, trying to get me to smile.

I gave a little half-smile and said. "Yeah, I guess you can say that".

Destiny wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "You want to talk about your poems?"

I stiffened and tried to scoot away from him. Honestly? No, no I do not, and probably never will. Destiny seemed to see my answer from my face, so he simply started humming and glancing around my room.

I found my eyes looking at his lip ring, watching him as he twirled it around with his tongue, making it move.

Feeling myself getting slightly hypnotized by it, I tilted my head to the side, examining his lip ring.
It was a simple silver loop, going into his lip and looping out of it, barely poking out of his face. That was good. I found myself thinking.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from his lips, and I don't know why. Something about that little loop of metal hypnotized me and drew me in, and I couldn't help but think about it. It invaded my thoughts and made me dream about it and even better-it belonged to a certain someone.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Destiny asked a smug smile on his face.

I froze, realizing I'd been caught staring at him, and my face flushed. Destiny raised his eyebrows and  stopped fiddling with his lip ring. I blinked several times as a small smirk started creeping across Destiny's face.

"Couldn't stop staring, huh?" He asked slyly.

I reddened even more as I tried to find an excuse for the fact that yes, I was starring at him or more specifically his lip ring and suddenly the words burst from me.
"What does your lip ring feel like?"

Destiny raised his eyebrows slightly and he chuckled "why, you want to feel?"

I bit my lip and scooted slightly away from him and Destiny chuckled to himself as I busied myself with my notebook, the secret one that wasn't a secret anymore. Destiny didn't miss my action and his eyes fixated on it.

"Are you going to tell me about your poems?"  Destiny asked quietly.

My hand froze on the paper, and when I glanced at it, I wished I hadn't. My pencil was pointed at the line that read because maybe I like being sad and I know that Destiny won't probably leave until I give him an answer.
Well, he would be here for a long time, because I wasn't about to give him one.

"Can we leave it for another time?" I begged.

Destiny sighed and then said "what about my tutoring?"

"What a-about it?" I asked, dropping my pencil.

"Are you still going to do it?" Destiny looked slightly apprehensive as he asked me the question.

"Why wouldn't I?" I asked, confused.

"U don't know," Destiny shrugged, "maybe because I kind off read your notebook?"

"Kind off?" I teased.

Destiny's cheeks turned a little pink. "Okay, I read it, but it was only because when I was under your bed it was open and I couldn't help myself and-"

"Destiny I'm over it" I interrupted him. "Sure, I was a little mad, but I got over it. Besides, you let it drop, I'm grateful for that."

Destiny bit his lip. "Are you sure? Cause I don't want to push into something you don't want to do-"

"Destiny, I want to help you" I interrupted him again.

"Really? " Destiny smiled."That'd me great"

"Okay" I smiled back at him.

"I promise I'm not doing a Mean Girls, I'm actually really bad at math", Destiny joked.

I laughed. "Okay, I believe you. And you saw Mean Girls?"

Destiny looked down at his hands and made a face. "What? Me? No. That's a girly movie." He said unconvincingly.

I nodded "Mhm. Sure Destiny."