it had been a while since i had seen or heard from cal. we hadnt talked since the night we kissed, and school was about to start.
i had basically done nothing at all since then. cal was the only person i really knew around here and without seeing him i basically did nothing. i sat in bed a rewatched movies for hours, took showers until there was no hot water left in the neighbourhood, played the guitar until my fingers were bleeding (literally), and listened to music until my ears bled. a lot of times though, i would just not get out of bed. i would sit in my bed rotting away forever and ever and i know its getting bad again when im like that. everybody knows its getting bad again when im like that. carmen seemed to be the first one to notice this.
"kim you havent done anything in forever are you okay?" she asked
and i would always play it off like i was fine, "yeah im cool just tired" That was almost always my answer
sometimes if i got annoyed with myself i would look out my window and one day i saw cal and another girl with long brown hair walking down to the graveyard. he was filming her like he always did to me and they were talking a lot. i didnt know what they were saying but all i knew was that seeing that made me want to cry. i dont know why, its not even like cal and i were dating we just had one small meaningless kiss, right? i mean we were drunk!
i hadnt cried in awhile but no matter how hard i tried to stay cool after seeing them together, i couldnt, i cried. i cried pretty hard. i felt myself get really bad again, like that uncontrollable mindset kind of bad again.
i used to cut myself, a lot actually. it was a problem. i cut myself almost every day for at least over a month. i would do it in the shower, when i had the most privacy. i did it a lot when i was still living with my parents and stuff, and i know they saw the scars but they didnt care. i hadnt cut for awhile. it took a lot for me not to cut myself for this long and i was already starting to give up before i saw cal with that girl, but this really set me off.
i hated myself for doing it but i cut myself in the shower that night thinking about all kinds of shit. i really get in my head and just think of every horrible things i have done and everything wrong about myself, and then i cut. i would regret it later, at least i would hope i would regret it but deep down i know i didnt regret anything.
after i took that shower i put on a sweatshirt and left my room for the first time in ages. i dont think i had eaten anything for two days and i was starving. i just got myself some orange juice, not wanting to eat much right then.
i knew alex and carmen were home today and jenna and hunter were out doing whatever they do, the only person who was home was kevin.
i walked into our little music room to find kevin in there playing the keyboard.
"i didnt know you played" i said
he jumped a little
"sorry i didnt mean to scare you"
"its fine." he said, "i played piaano when i was a kid."
"cool"
kevin was strange, he didnt say much, but i know he was listening to everything everyone is saying whenever he can. he listens and i think it wears him out sometimes.
"wanna watch a movie or something, no one else is home" i said taking a sip of my orange juice.
"sure" he replied
we sat on the couch and i told him he could pick the movie.
"wanna watch american movie" he said
"i havent heard of it"
