the day before new year's eve was one of the worst days of my life.
i woke up with my whole body spread across my mattress. it was 5:43AM and i heard someone crying in the kitchen. i walked out of my room to see what was wrong.
it was hunter next to a half empty glass of vodka.
"hunter?" i said.
he sniffles and wiped his tears, "it's nothing go back to sleep"
"no what's wrong?" i asked
he began to cry more. "alex just went to check on kevin at his place" he said choking on his words, "he's dead."
hunter kept talking but i don't remember anything he said. i was trapped in my own world thinking about what he had just said.
i slowly walked over to the kitchen counter and grabbed the car keys.
"kim what are you-" hunter started. before he could do anything i ran out of the house. "kim!"
i started the car with not a single thought running through my brain and made my way to kevin's house.
when i got there i saw alex sitting outside with his hands on his head sitting on the stairs. he was crying. i had never seen him cry. he looked up at me, "kim-"
i didn't say anything i just kept walking until alex grabbed me and stopped me from entering the small house kevin lived in.
"man- kim i'm sorry, fuck this guy, fuck him" alex cried softly. i wiggled away and got inside the house. alex yelled at me to stop but eventually gave up and continued to cry even harder this time.
i opened the door to a big messy kitchen on my left and the living room on my right. when i looked out the couch i saw him. kevin was lying there, dead, on the couch. there was an empty bottle of pills and used needles all over the coffee table. not to mention every kind of alcohol you could name.
i looked at him and it looked like he was staring right at me.
"kevin?" i whispered. i expected him to say something but he didn't. he didn't say anything because he was dead. i began to weep, no tears, i just couldn't get tears to come out of my eyes.
i felt alex come stand behind while i sat there next to a lifeless kevin. i was sitting next to someone i used to consider family and he was dead. he was dead forever and he was never coming back.
i turned to look at alex, "was it an accident?" i said. i had just then thought that he could have dont all this on purpose. kevin could have killed himself on purpose.
alex looked at me with no expression on his face as he passed me some paper and little did you know, it was from kevin.
i don't know for sure if i will die or not tonight, im not trying to kill myself, but i'm not trying to prevent it either.
i'm sorry for this. i love all of you. i loved you kim.
don't be sad about this please just carry on with your lives. i'll be fine.
-kevin
the date on the paper was marked two days ealier than the day he died. i couldn't keep my cool. he had just been lying here all alone dead for two days and no one knew?
i looked at kevin again and cried out. "fuck you" i said softly, " fuck you fuck you fuck you!!" i said getting louder and louder until my whines turned into real tears.
"Kim-" Alex began to say. I didn't let him finish I just turned to lean on him. He held me and let me cry in his arms. I heard him trying as hard as he could not to cry.
"Alex please don't hold on your tears." I said. He didn't make noise but I know he started crying.
I suddenly got hit with this urge of numbness. I felt the need to leave. I had to go. I wiggled out of Alex's arms and stood up.
"I- I have to go" I said looking anywhere but at Alex.
"Kim-"
"I have to go" I said. I walked out of the house as fast as I could and got in the car. I didn't know where I was going at first but then i thought to find cal. I began to drive to his house. When I got there I went to his window and found a little rock to throw. I had completely filtered out the entire morning and forgotten about Kevin. I made myself feel like nothing had happened, like all of that was just some kind of perverted dream.
I saw cal start to open his window.
"Kim?" He said
"Are your parents home?"
"No... my dads at work and my mom had to bring my brother with her to work as well"
"Can I come in?"
Cal nodded and I went back over to his front door.
When the door opened something came over me. I walked inside, grabbed cals neck and pulled him in for a kiss. I could tell he was surprised but he quickly closed the door and put his hands on my waist. He pulled me close and kissed me back. I walked backwards slowly so I was leaning on the wall. Cal moved his hand up to my face and cupped my cheek.
Suddenly, again, I had another wave of emotion come over me and I pulled away. I looked at cal for a moment and he looked at me then before I knew it I was crying on his shoulder.
"Kim?" He said. I just held onto him as tightly as I could without hurting him. He put his arms around me and held me in his arms.
"Kim do you need to sit down?"
"Yeah" I said through my tears.
"Go up to my room, the door is open I'll get you some water." He said.
I nodded and made my way up the stairs. I saw his room with the door open and curled up on his bed crying harder and harder until my face hurt.
When cal came back in the room he handed me a glass of water and sat next to me, "what's wrong."
I couldn't get words to come out of my mouth I just kept taking sips of my water.
"You don't have to tell me but at least tell me what you want to do, we can watch a movie if you want." Cal smiled.
I smiled. He made me smile. He made me smile so hard I wanted to keep crying.
"Let's do that" I said wiping away my tears.
"Okay what are you in the mood for?"
"Nothing too sad. If it's sad I want it to be good sad." I said.
He nodded, "I'll get something to eat too okay?"
"Okay" I said holding in my tears. I think I was starting to love this guy, like really love him. I'd never felt this before but it felt amazing. I felt like I loved somebody and I felt like they at least felt sort of the same.
"Let's watch 10 things I hate about you" cal said.
"You have that??" I laughed
"It's a good movie" he said trying to defend himself.
"It is" I said.
He put the DVD in and then went to go get some food downstairs.
I got comfortable in his bed and began to watch the movie. Singing along to the first song the plays in the movie. Cal came back to the room with a cherry coke and some candy.
"Here" he smiled as he sat beside me.
We both watched the movie and sang along to some of the music. I leaned my back on his chest a little as he put his arm around me. Before I knew it I was falling asleep in cals arms.
