Call Out My Name|| Tom Kaulitz

forgiveness.

Pearl

When I felt his arms wrapping me I was confused, but I let myself go in his hug, convinced that it was Bill, - deep down I needed it.
It was only when I felt his tears touching my skin that I realised the person I had in front of me was Tom, not Bill.
I wanted to move, push him away, yell the worst insults at him, and never see him again, but something stopped me.
Or better, he stopped me.
Not because he did something in particular, he wasn't even squeezing me as tight anymore, but his silente sobs sounded like an orchestra in my ears.

No matter how much I hated myself in that moment, I felt pity for Tom, - I felt sorry and I didn't want to see him that way.
He then kneeled down to the floor, wrapping me around my waist and crying even louder.
I wasn't sure about what I needed to do, I didn't quite understand the reason why he was crying anyway, - whether it was because he felt ashamed, or if he regretted what he did, - but almost as an instinct I ran my fingers through his braids, in an attempt to calm him down.
That worked, because I heard his sobs getting quieter as he breathed out for air.

A part of me thought that it was right that way, - he deserved to feel that way, he was feeling just a fraction of the pain I felt for years.
Another part of me, however, didn't want to see him like that, - I wanted to comfort him, tell him that everything was okay, everything was resolvable, I was still there with him.

I immediately understood that the part of me that would've won was the second one, the person that had a good heart with everyone, who gave people a thousand chances until she couldn't anymore.
And again, that stupid promise, that last time I whispered to myself in my car I knew would've never came, not until Tom was in my arms.
I kneeled down in front of him taking his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me, with his eyes almost closed from the tears.
He put his hands on mine, slightly tilting his head at my caresses.

I had to admit that he was extremely beautiful, - he looked like an helpless child, who after getting hurt would run to his mother, to seek comfort.
That was what I was doing: I was comforting him, from the hurt he caused himself, and caused me.
If there was something I knew, however, is that all of us felt pain at some point, more or less, we all lived through the same stuff, and I knew that in that moment Tom was suffering, maybe even more than me, - I wouldn't have left him, not there at least.
After several minutes, Tom finally stopped crying, but we still stayed in that same position, lost in each others' arms, - neither of us wanted to move.

'Hi', he weakly whispered smiling a bit, giving me a soft kiss on the forehead.

'Hi', I said back, moving a braid that fell on his face.
'You want to tell me what's gotten into you?', I asked him, looking at him in the eyes.

He sighed and slightly nodded, starting to stand up and giving me his hand, to help me stand up myself.
We went up the stairs straight to Bill's room, who was sitting on the bed with his legs crossed.
As soon as he saw us he ran to me and hugged me, continuing on repeating how sorry he was, how stupid he was to have said those things.
I pulled away from his hug confused, asking him what he was sorry about.
Bill looked at me first and then at Tom, who sat on Bill's spot on the bed looking at his hands, while he was playing with the clasp of his watch.

'I'll let you two talk', Bill said walking to the door, where he stopped for a moment and turned around.

'Believe him, Pearl. If you trust me, please believe him', he said smiling, before getting out of the room.

Honestly I didn't have any other choice but to hear what Tom had to say, and I wanted to do it, as I never saw him that crushed in all those years I knew him.
However, no matter how much I loved Bill, the decision to believe his words or not was mine, and mine only.
I sat next to Tom, even if a little more distant than before, worried about what his explanation would've been.