Call Out My Name|| Tom Kaulitz

Pearl's mind.

All I felt was as emptiness.

I felt a void creep inside of me.
That type of void that no matter of much money, no matter how many clothes, cars, houses, friends or boyfriends I could've had, - it would have still been there.
None of those things could have filled it, no matter how much I tried to make them do it.

It's crazy to think how much time we, as people, spend to try to fix ourselves, to better ourselves, to chase our goals and dreams, - only to realise that it can all be destroyed in seconds.

I felt like a waste of space, waste of time, of effort.
What was my worth, if I wasn't able to make my progress work out in my favour?

Was I ever going to get better, or was I only telling myself that I was better so that I could actually feel something, for once?

Every time I felt happiness, I wondered if I was truly happy, or if I was copying what everyone else was feeling.
Every time I felt sad, I questioned if I truly was sad, or if I was only crying out for help, - trying to warn people that I would've soon disappeared.

But then again, was I truly sad, was I truly broken, or was I just selfish enough to think that if people saw how ruined I was they would've saved me?

It was not their duty, to save me.
I was just a person, maybe even more useless than other people, why would anybody save me?

Did I deserve to be saved?
Why me, amongst every single person who was suffering?
Why did I think I deserved to be saved, if I had lost my purpose in life?

It would've been a waste, - I thought to myself.
I would have never made a difference, at least not as much as I wanted to believe.

I liked to think that I was doing something.
I loved seeing myself after graduating, and becoming a lawyer, to be the voice who people who lost theirs.

But did it even matter, when I couldn't hear my own voice?

I wanted people to respect me, but I couldn't respect myself.
I wanted people to love me, while I hated myself.

It's true, what they say, - people can't love you, until you love yourself.

If that's the case, then I guess I will die unloved.

——-
Not quite a chapter, but I just felt like this section deserve its own space.
This was a message I once wrote to my best friend when I was at my lowest.
I'm not always great with my words, but this still speaks to me.

I want you to remember that this story, for me, is much more than just a simple story, a fan fiction, book, whatever you want to call it.
My end goal isn't just to write the best love story I can write, but I want to leave a message, I want to write something that makes people think and sticks with them.

No matter what you're going through, you're never alone.
I love you