Sha Qing

Chapter 43: The Ghost Of Memory (2)

As the extremely cold ice cracked, the broken emotions spread out, and Leo's pale lips trembled. He had been hiding it deep inside and had been overwhelmed by it for too long. It was like a giant mountain and he was always on the verge of buried in it once it collapses. Perhaps he could try to put down his guard and speak about that matter openly to someone; and this time, maybe that person was Li Biqing-his boy, someone whom he trusted completely.

He took a step forward and hugged the young man's head on his chest-a beast's most vulnerable and guarded vitals, but now it is completely open to him.

Leo finally spoke with great difficulty, "No, that was my fault. Biqing, I'm not as good as you described me to be. In fact, far from it ... I betrayed my faith and committed an unforgivable sin. Although no one knew of that matter and I can deceive everyone, but I know that I can't deceive myself..."

"Sin? No, Leo. I believe you are not that kind of person!"

" I don't know who I am. Punishing and eliminating evil? Yes, that 's my job and my belief. I always believe that the lesser the bad people are in his world, there will be more good people. But I never expected that one day, I would do something wicked..."

"Leo!" Li Biqing hugged the federal agent who began to choke on his words and panic. Li Biqing never saw him this way- almost to the point of crying. Even when he had that episode last time, he still adhered to the last bit of his dignity. "Okay, let's not talk about this. Shall we change the topic?"

"No, I know that I can't escape it forever. One day, I have to say it to someone, or confess it to God."The dark-haired agent said decisively. "Do you believe that there are resurrected ghosts in this world? Yes, that someone already died, but many years later, the said person was standing in front of you again, with the same face, voice, and even the same name."

Li Biqing shook his head, "I don't believe in those illusory things. I only believe what I saw ."

"But I witnessed it with my own eyes. She was right in front of me- wearing a white dress, long curly hair like seaweed, light blue eyes- everything matched, but she died a long time ago, on my own gun! Five years prior, in her blood stained skirt, she stretched out her arms towards me, as her lips muttered 'help' in her dying breath... "

"You said 'she' ... is it that little girl? Bellary's five-year-old daughter, Debbie?"

"Yes! Debbie! I won't forget this name until death!" Leo's eyes were in a trance, as if it was staring into an unknown space, where all the painful memories were stored.

"Five years ago, the serial killer I was chasing caught her and took her as a hostage in front of me. I knew that in I shouldn't shoot in compliance to the regulations, but ... he is a brutal and malicious human! If he is allowed to escape with her - doesn't matter if she is only five or fifty years old- he will torture her, chop her body into small pieces, put it in a box and send it to the police! So I fired the gun ...She kept crying and struggling in front of his chest, so when I pulled the trigger, it hit her neck artery! After I realized what just happened, I felt like I became insane-I shot all the remaining bullets in the magazine into that fugitive's body..." Leo narrated with his hands covering his own face.

" That's not your fault! Leo!" Li Biqing firmly grasped Leo's hands, "That was just an accident. In that kind of situation, you can only shoot- otherwise her ending will be even more tragic."

Leo shook his head painfully, "No, the root of the problem is not that! What happened later is the worst! Do you know what I did? I removed my fingerprints on the gun, stuffed it into the hands of the fugitive, and then faked the whole scene so that everything looked like he snatched my gun and killed her, while I myself was shot. I was calm as I did all of those, just like a demon! I knew that the police would believe me and that the forensic doctor would not check it seriously-Why? Because I was a member of the law and that preconceived notion would let them stand on my side. Until now, I get angry and scared whenever I remember myself at that time." (t/n, Kinda got confused because by the end, the last holder of the gun was supposedly the kidnapper. But how did Leo fabricated all of it when the culprit died by the same bullet, the same gun that he was holding? Maybe Leo said or really had another same gun?)

Leo's body slid weakly along the bed with his heavy guilt. He buried his face into Li Biqing's lap, and his voice was vaguely like a whisper, "I don't even know why I did that ... In order to escape legal sanctions and moral condemnation? That I don't want to destroy my future for an unintentional mistake? I believe that the value of my life is still far from being used to its fullest, so I worked hard to eradicate evil and maintain justice ... I hid behind the bright and clear skin of a law enforcer, while inside me is the soul of a black and rotten criminal!"

"Even if I can deceive the whole world, I can't deceive the ghost of someone who died an unjust death, so she appears in my dreams every single night. That horrifying moment repeated over and over again as she accused me of my sins with her cold blue eyes-" The agent finally uttered a long, whimpering sound like a wounded beast.

Li Biqing leaned over and tightly hugged Leo. With his cheek against the latter's ears, the chestnut and black hair merged into one, just like two swans cuddling with their necks. He knew that at this time, all words of comfort is unnecessary and only direct and intense physical contact could make the Leo feel that he had someone whom he can hold onto. His hand repeatedly stroked the agent's broad back in a comforting manner, until the other party gradually calmed down. He then whispered in his ear, "Leo, I can see your soul and it's beautiful-so so beautiful..."

The federal agent clutched Li Biqing's waist tightly."... Is this another comforting out of sympathy?"

"No, you don't need any sympathy, Leo. You are stronger and better than anyone." The youngster cuddled Leo's head and rested his chin upon that messy black hair. "You made the right choice. If it was me who was held hostage at that time, I would rather be shot to heaven by you, rather than go through extreme pain and fall into pits hell filled with resentment and bitterness! As for what you did after, that's instinct, Leo. Animals instinctively seek benefits and avoid harm-human beings are no exception. We humans always want certain situations to develop towards the best possible outcome.

"Try to look at things in a more rational way, since it had already happened, even if you put yourself on the court, it won't be of help anymore and would instead become a waste. Think about it Leo, how many murderers have you arrested and how many lives you've saved these five years and will help as such in the future? If you surrendered yourself at that time and entered prison, all the people you've rescued all these years would have died!" Li Biqing's voice was clear and calm, with utter determination and he hit Leo's weakness, he could not tolerate the death of innocent people- this belief would always be consistent.

"I'd be more of a help here outside than when I'm in prison- do you think so?" Leo raised his face and looked at him like a child.

"There is no doubt." Li Biqing supported Leo's head with his hands and looked straight at the latter's eyes sincerely, "People need you, Leo- a lot of people- including today's poor mother and her five-year-old little daughter. They need you need to catch the real killer and let the wandering ghosts at the bottom of the lake rest peacefully."

""

"I will catch him." The dark-haired agent said in a firm manner.

"I will help you." Li Biqing said, "As for Debbie, don't think about it so much. Perhaps, it's just a coincidence. If you can't face her now, I can come out alone. Although she is still young, maybe can hear something important from her, such as clues related to the murderer."

Leo remained silent for a moment. After sometime, it seemed like he was able to make up his mind with great courage, "No, I can face her. I must face her."

Li Biqing breathe a sigh of relief and smiled, "So let's go together tomorrow. No matter what happens, I will be by your side."

Leo stood up slowly. The coldness on his fingertips had been warmed up and he was reluctant to remove his hand from the young man. "Tonight-can you sleep beside me?" Asked without shame, like a wolf who just wanted to squeezed together with someone for some warmth during nigh time.

"Okay." Li Biqing replied easily.