Big Sky Dreams

Burke - Chapter 24

Burke studied Vivian intently as she froze, sandwich halfway to her mouth. Slowly setting it down, she folded her hands on her lap as she focused her gaze to the other side of the pond. He could see her walls slamming into place as her face went carefully blank.

"I'm not sure what you mean." She replied, her voice empty of all emotion, her back ramrod straight as her muscles tensed.

"Vivian, I know I told you that I wouldn't push, but those scars are screaming at me. I just want to know their story." He spoke calmly, his voice low. She was seconds away from bolting, so he did his best to seem non-threatening.

The silence was deafening as they sat there, and Burke was about to tell her never mind when she opened her lips to speak.

"I told you about my husband's libido and about how he didn't like to hear the word no." He nodded, barely breathing as he gave her space to find her words. "He had...an incompatible kink, I guess you could call it. But it was also more than that. It also brought him comfort when he was spiraling into depression, brought him back into emotional balance. He discovered it when I was first breastfeeding our daughter." She swallowed and closed her eyes as she fought for composure.

"I hated it. It hurt. It made me feel icky in a way I had never felt before. It skewed how I saw my body, and it made me hate a part of myself that I had always seen as an asset." Frowning as her saw her nails digging into her skin, he gently took her hands in his, smoothing the half-moon divots she had left.

"It was always too much, too overwhelming. But the thing was, one or two times I actually enjoyed it. But he kept asking for it, demanding it, even. And he would get upset when I told him how it made me feel, citing those few times as reasons why I should let him." She shrugged, dismissing her feelings as anger and hurt made her voice tight. "And on paper, it is such a stupid thing to hate. So. When he did it, which was four or five times a week, I discovered that pain made it more bearable. It was a distraction from wanting to run away and never look back. So, I started scratching myself, the harder the better. I chose my thigh because it was easier to conceal what I was dying to myself. At least, it was for a little while. He hated seeing my shredded and bleeding skin but couldn't stop himself from asking for it. 'You just gotta push through it' he would say, 'it will get better the more I do it's, or, and this was my favorite 'there has to be something wrong with you if it doesn't get better'."

Rubbing circles on the back of her hands, Burke looked away so she wouldn't see the rage in his eyes.

"The thing is, if he had asked for it before kids and breastfeeding, it would have been fine. I didn't have much sensation in my nipples before I got pregnant. But after? It was agony. With both of the kids, I had a bit of a traumatic time as we learned the ins and outs of it. Bloody and cracked nipples, painful latches, sobbing because once I had fed the baby, I knew that I was going to have to do it again in just a few hours. Despite being the most natural thing to do, there is a steep learning curve to it."

Vivian sighed as she studied their entwined hands, the barest hint of a smile on her lips.

"He wanted an adult breastfeeding relationship. I didn't even know that was a thing until he brought it up. He wanted me to keep producing milk long after I had weaned the kids. I refused. We argued about it a ton. He would buy me supplies to boost my production, but I never used them. It was bad enough that he would suckle on me after I had fallen asleep. Like hell I was going to make milk for him. It got to the point where I trained myself to turn away from him in my sleep at the slightest movement. He complained about that a lot, too."

Vivian sighed as her tone grew tired and her shoulders relaxed. "I was so over it. I would offer it when he got really bad, and he tried to not ask for it as often. But during my lowest times, I told him that I wanted to cut my breasts off. I hated them. In a way, they had betrayed me. I know now that wasn't true, but it was so hard to not feel that way."

She lay back on the blanket, staring blankly at the sky, emotionally wrung out. "So, that's it. That's the story of my scars."

Burke had to breathe deeply and slowly for a minute to get his emotions under control. Vivian's story was...not what he had expected. His heart was breaking for what this woman had been through.

"How long did this go on for?" Burke asked, his voice rough.

Vivian sighed, a single tear rolling down her face towards her ear. "Seven or eight years, I think. Right up until I filled for divorce."

Moving some things around so that he could lay down next to her, he paused, confusion clouding his face. "I thought you said be killed himself."

Vivian sighed as Burke settled in next to her on his side, hits head propped up in his head as he gazed down at her. "He made it almost a month after the papers were signed before eating a bullet. It made for an awkward funeral." She sighed again as she shifted closer to him. It was the most natural thing in the world for him to pull her over as he lay back so that her head rested on his shoulder, her leg came over his thigh, and her arm reached across his waist. She felt so right cuddled up to him like that. "With the help of a realtor friend, I started looking for cheap properties. That's how I got this place."

They lay together like that for a while. Burke was lost in thought when Vivian glanced up at him. "Burke?" She asked timidly.

"What is it, baby?" His hand idly stroked the hair above her ear.

"Bring me back." She said. He tensed under her, and she smoothed her hand across his stomach. "I don't like the place my mind is in right now. And I'm so tired of trying to find my way back on my own." He voice was so full of sorrow and pain, her life for so many years full of choices that were detrimental to her. Turning on his side, he gazed down at her liquid grey eyes, his heart clenching to see the tear tracks on her face.

Angling her face towards his, he claimed her lips in a soft kiss, gently exploring and tasting her until she sighed and melted into him. Pulling back, Burke searched her face until Vivian's eyes fluttered open, and she gave him a small smile.

"Hi." She said softly.

"Are you back, darlin?" She hummed and nodded, running her nose along the sensitive skin under his jaw.

"I am very glad to hear it." He looked down at her, warmth, concern, and maybe something deeper swimming in his eyes. "What do you say we pack up and head back? As much as I would love nothing more than to spend more time with you here..."

Vivian sighed, Burke was actually getting rather alarmed at how much she sighed, and nodded.