Big Sky Dreams

Burke - Chapter 40

Burke assisted Vivian into the tub and then settled himself behind her, pulling her back until she rested against his chest with her head pillowed on his shoulder and his thighs cradling hers.  His arms were wrapped gently around her to hold her in place.  The water was still blissfully warm, just this side of too hot as they both relaxed into it.  

They lay there for a while, just enjoying each other's company and the quiet of the bathroom as the water soothed away any lingering tension.  Burke listened to Vivian's breathing as it deepened, indicating that she dozed off.  The brief nap earlier had not been very restful, and with everything that had happened afterwards, Burke wasn't surprised that she had fallen asleep.  He felt a deep sense of satisfaction that she felt safe enough with him to fall asleep while in an incredibly vulnerable position.  

Closing his eyes, Burke lay his head back and sighed in contentment.  This moment of peace was helping to heal a few of the broken parts that he had lived with since that night that cost Laura her life.  Gentle lips against the underside of his jaw brought a smile to his face as Vivian licked and kissed her way around the part of his jaw and throat she could reach.  But even as he enjoyed the attention thoughts about the conversation from the previous night, if one could call it that, weighed heavily on his mind.

Kissing Vivian on the cheek, he indicated to her that she should sit up.  Once she did so, he picked up the bar of soap and a washcloth and quickly lathered it before gently scrubbing it across her shoulders and back.  "You asked me a question last night." He started, his voice low and gravely from the emotions that threatened to break free.  When she didn't respond, he cleared his throat and continued on as he tried to push down the rising trepidation at what her reaction would be once she knew about his past.  "You asked me what I meant about not wanting my darkness to taint you.  It seems only fair that you should know more about me since I know so much about you."  Carefully scrubbing her arms, he focused on that task instead of the words that began to pour out of him.

"I was engaged once.  Her name was Laura, and we grew up together.  I thought I loved her, but I think it was more that we liked each other enough that when it was clear neither of us were leaving this small town, we just silently agreed to be with each other.  We had dated in high school, but it wasn't serious.  We had fooled around a bit, but neither of us had made any promises.  I was supposed to go to college in Bozeman, but when my dad died, I took over the ranch.  He was a good rancher and taught me everything I know, but I knew not going was a missed opportunity." He paused to gather his thoughts.  "For a long time, I think I resented both of them.  Him for dying, her for not just telling me to go.  And so, I drank.  A lot.  Not uncommon for a small town with not much to do, but my drinking was getting out of hand, I know that now.  And the Laura got pregnant."  Burke sighed and shook his head at his younger self before he continued on.  He appreciated that Vivian was just listening and didn't ask any questions.

"I was so angry when she got pregnant.  But it being a small town and all, the logical next step was for her to move in with me and for us to get married.  I didn't even really ask her; it was just understood.  And my resentment grew.  I hated that she had invaded my space.  I hated that I was being tied down before I was really ready for it.  I hated that I realized that I wasn't in love with her the more time I spent with her.  But we had a kid on the way, so what was I supposed to do?  So, I drank some more, which she hated.  At first, she was kind about it.  But when I didn't show any signs of stopping, she would get more and more angry." He paused, remembering that night and the circumstances that had led up to it.

"We were at a party, I don't remember what for at this point, but the booze was flowing.  We had argued about something on the way, and I was still pretty fired up when we got there, so I immediately ditched her and downed a drink.  From what I have heard from others who were there, I didn't stop drinking.  And when it was time to leave, I was told that I wasn't nice about it.  Apparently, I dragged her to the truck, basically threw her in and then yelled at her to shut up when she asked if I was okay to drive."  The shame and disgust at his actions was making him slightly nauseous and he gave up the pretense of washing Vivian as she turned in the water to face him, her lip between her teeth as she looked at him with compassion and understanding.

"You don't have to keep going, if you don't want to.  We can finish this later when you are feeling up to it."  Her voice was soft, but he still flinched when she spoke, and he was grateful that she was giving him an out.  Shaking his head at her, he closed his eyes and leaned back against the side of the tub.

"I was just about blackout drunk when I got behind the wheel of my truck.  The cops later told me that my blood alcohol was three times the legal limit."  Fragments of memory flashed behind his eyes as he felt tears slip down his cheeks.  "I didn't even see the elk that had been standing in the middle of the road.  I remember her screaming.  I remember the sound of metal tearing and glass shattering.  I remember the smell of blood and the pain."  He scrubbed at his eyes but kept them closed.  He didn't want to see the look on Vivian's face right now.  "I remember the silence."

"I tried calling for her, but my throat was so torn up, I couldn't make any sounds.  Then I tried to find her, but I was pinned in place by the wreckage of my truck.  I was later told that she bled out at the side of the road.  I don't know how long we were there before an ambulance came, but I do know that I was barely alive when they finally got to us.  My heart stopped twice before we got to the clinic, but then I was airlifted to the nearest hospital in Bozeman."  Burke startled when he felt Vivian take his hand but squeezed it gratefully.

"When I finally woke up, I was told that I was lucky.  My major organs sustained minimal damage.  The glass and metal had somehow missed my arteries and heart by millimeters.  I had a torn rotator cuff and fractured ribs from the seatbelt that I had somehow remembered to put on.  There had been a concern about a head injury, but that resolved itself.  So other than some soft tissue damage and extensive bruising, I had a fairly clean bill of health."

Burke finally opened his eyes but kept his gaze on the ceiling.  "I missed her funeral, not that anyone wanted me there.  Obviously, the baby didn't survive, and it was buried with her.  I still don't know if it was a boy or a girl, but she was only about twelve weeks along and her ultrasound wasn't for another couple days.  I suppose the coroner knew, but no one bothered to tell me."  He sighed and slumped deeper into the water as Vivian crawled into his lap and hugged him.  "It took me years of therapy to get behind the wheel again.  I was in jail for a few of those years for vehicular homicide and driving while intoxicated, but I got out a little early for good behavior.  Now, if I drink, it is no more than one beer or two fingers of scotch a night."  Burke shook his head as he drifted his fingers through Vivian's hair.  "I kept my head down, didn't get into any trouble, but at the same time there were times when I wished that someone would enact prison justice on me.  I wouldn't have fought them if they had.  It took me a long time to get out of that dark place before I stopped wishing I was dead."

"There was no welcoming party for me when I came home.  Hunter was just about the only person who would speak to me.  He helped me get the ranch going again.  It took me years to get him to admit that he was the one who had paid the taxes on it while I was gone.  I had some money set aside for the first couple years, but after that I would have lost everything if he hadn't stepped in.  I guess the rest of the town warmed up to me again after a while, but I usually only go in about once a month for supplies that I can't get delivered.  When they realized that I was a changed man and just how remorseful I am, I guess they softened towards me.  And then when they learned that I had started a soap making business while I was there, that was enough for everyone to forgive me.  Some of the shops in town actually stock my soaps, if you can believe that."  He chuckled, but it lacked humor.

Falling silent, he concentrated on the feel of the woman in his arms and braced himself for her inevitable rejection.  What mother would want a convicted felon around her kids?  What woman would want to be in a relationship with a murderer?  Clearing his aching throat, he gently nudged her off him.  "The water is getting tepid, we should get out and get dressed."  He scrambled to his feet and was just about to climb out when she put her hand on his arm, stopping him.  Looking down, he watched as she stood and enveloped him in a hug.  Stunned, he hugged her back even as the dark part of his soul whispered that it was a goodbye.

"Help me out of the tub, please.  I don't want to slip." Her tone gave nothing away about what Vivian was feeling and it put Burke on edge.  He wanted her to yell and scream at him, tell him that he was a piece of shit and unworthy of her.  He wanted her to confirm all the bad things that he still believed about himself, to throw him out on his ear without a backward glance.  But she didn't do any of those things.  So, he did what she requested, he helped her get out of the tub.