My world

49.

Meredith.

I've moved out and got my own apartment so now I live alone with a small dog. She's a smaller breed so she'll stay little.

I've never really lived alone before, I was alone for a couple of months before I got roommates and then when I moved out of there I moved out and right in with Derek.

It is very lonely without Derek and I really miss him during the day, but especially at night.

It's not just about the sex, it's about the moment after sex that I miss. It feels like more than sex.

There's more to it than just getting the release that you crave. The sex is hot, passionate and rough.. but after he changes.

He becomes sweet, soft and caring. During sex he doesn't just focus on his needs, his main focus is on me.

When he got home from work no matter how bad it was or how tired he always paid attention to me first before anything.

He kisses me, asks me about my day, and asks me about work. He's not self-centred, he doesn't believe the world revolves around him. His world revolves around me.

I want to stand my ground on what I said to him, but I can't help but feel like I overreacted.
I know I was right when I said I needed to be able to trust him when he's at work.

I know he overstepped when he didn't tell me he was taking a business deal. But for him that's normal, for him that's how it's always been.

I just thought he would have figured out by now after almost a year of being together that he has to tell me things like that, the big important things, even if to him it's not that big he knows I didn't grow up around that life like he has.

He should have known that he had to tell me something like that. And maybe he was, but even if he was going to tell me he still knew he shouldn't have been out there.

Even if it was safe. The last business deal he took almost killed him. I'm still mad at him but I don't know if I should have ended the relationship entirely.

But I feel like it's too late now. It's been weeks since we broke up. Mafia leaders are cold-hearted and their relationships don't mean much to him.

I don't think Derek is that way but I've only seen one side of him, the side where he's in love with me, the side where he always wanted me.

I know he hates Rose for good reasons and because she's crazy, but what if the work he did, the breakup, what if that made her crazy?

I don't want to end up like Rose and I don't know how he'll treat me if we ever speak again or bump into each other somewhere.

Maybe he'll treat me just as badly as he does Rose. Or maybe he'll treat me worse, I don't know.

Cristina says I did the right thing breaking up with him and that it wasn't a good idea to date a mafia leader in the first place, let alone an Italian one. Apparently, the Italian ones are worse, that's just what she said.

She's already tried setting me up with a few guys who were apparently in the army with Owen.

I've already met a few of them and they seem nice but none of them are my type. There was one guy that I liked, he had similar features to Derek's, black hair, blue eyes, facial structure, and body, They looked pretty similar.

The only downside was the kind of person he was. He wasn't a bad person or anything, he just.. he talked about doing in the ass.

I've never done it in the ass nor do I want to. That's something I never want to do, Derek never mentioned it to me and I'm glad he never brought it up.

I can't understand why a woman would choose that over doing it normally, I get the not wanting to get pregnant but there are other ways to prevent that.

Derek and I had sex every day, if not more, other than a few nights when he worked late but even then we worked we still found other things besides intercourse and I've never gotten pregnant.

We didn't use condoms all the time, most times we didn't really think about it but then I was on birth control.

Nine of those guys really interested me and they were all kind of boring and dull. I don't know if they were bad or if I didn't like them because the only man I want right now is Derek.

I would reach out but by now he's probably already moved on to a different model and fallen in love with her.

I want him to be happy but I don't want him to be too happy without me. I don't wish him the worst but I also still want him to suffer just for a little while.

I called Mark earlier just to see how Derek was and everything but he said he was fine. That's all he said, just fine and then he hit on me and asked me out which probably means Derek is seeing other people too.

I was making something to eat when there was a knock at the door. I fill the small dog bowl with puppy food before placing the bowl down by the counter.

Her little feet tap against the floor as she runs over to the bowl. I pet her carefully before going to the front door.

I unlock the door and open it. "Renee, what are you doing here?" I say as she stands in front of me.

"Mr. Shepherd is still in love with you," she says. She's holding something in her hand but I can't tell what it is.

"Okay, what do you want from me?" I say. "I want Derek to love me. Not you," she says. "Okay, you have my blessing," I say.

"I don't need your blessing. I need your heart," she says. "Excuse me?" I say.

She lifts her arm and points a gun at my chest. "Renee... Derek and I are no longer together. He'll get over me in no time," I say backing away slowly.

"He'll get over you sooner if you're dead," she says. "Renee-" I say but she pulls the trigger and the gun fired.

She fires two more times and I fall backwards. I hear Poppy yelp before she runs away and into my bedroom.

I gasped in pain as I placed my hand over my stomach where one of the bullets went. I feel the amount of blood pool out of me non-stop as I try to put pressure on it but there's too much blood.

I watch as my arms become paler and my head gets lighter until it falls back onto the floor. My eyes become heavy before they shut.

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