My world

56.

Derek.

Today's the day. I've decided that today is the day. I've spent the past few weeks thinking about how I'm going to do it and when I'm going to do it.

I'm finally set on an idea. I had Mark come over and set up the bedroom since it would take too long for me to do it myself.

Meredith isn't home right now. She left this earlier for for check-up to make sure everything is healing alright.

I offered to go with her but she wanted to prove that she could do it alone, she's been trying to prove she can do everything on her own lately so I decided to let her.

Ever since she's been able to get out of bed she wants to prove that she can do things on her own and doesn't need my assistance anymore.

She's started taking Poppy for a walk every morning to help her get back in shape. She wants to be able to go back to work soon but her agent says she'll have to wait a bit longer until her scars have healed enough to cover up with makeup.

It bothers me a little that they make her cover up every little imperfection on her body, stretch marks, scars, and some of her freckles. Anything they don't like they cover up.

I know it's her job but I don't want her to be insecure about it later on. I don't want her to feel like she has to cover up those things around me as well.

"What if she hates it? This is so cliche, Meredith doesn't like cliche, I'm not a cliche," I say as I light the last of the candles.

"Cliches are famous for a reason. You don't do things like this all the time so it's not like you're a big cliche. She'll just see it as you doing something nice for her," he says.

"And what if she doesn't, what if she hates it and she says no," I say. "Look the way you propose doesn't mean that much. She knows you love her, you know she loves you. All she's going to see is that you want to marry her. If she doesn't see that then she's not the one," he says.

"She is the one. There is no after Meredith. If I don't have her then I have nothing, it's Meredith or nothing, Mark," I say.

"No offence but your life is kind of really sad," he says. "My life isn't sad, my life is happy. My life is happy because I have Meredith, if I don't have her then I have nothing," I say.

"You've gone over thirty years of your life without Meredith and now suddenly after what, a year? You can live without her," he says.

"Physically I can live, but my life is over if I don't have her. Why do you think we haven't killed Renee yet?" I say.

"You still haven't thrown her away? How long are you going to torture her for?" He says. "Until I feel better about what she did to Meredith," I say.

"So never? Meredith is fully recovered, she can walk, drive, she could run a mile if she wanted," he says.

"Not until the doctor says she's okay. She still has to be fully cleared before she can do that," I say.

"You know what I mean. You gotta throw her away man, there's no point in keeping her down there forever," he says.

"Sure there is," I say. "Derek, the longer we keep her in there the more you give her a chance to escape. She's worked for you for years, she knows the entire layout of the building and everyone's schedule. If anyone can escape that place it's her," he says.

"Fine, remind me to cut her legs off and throw her in a freezer tomorrow," I say.

"No, you should take the day off. Spend the next few weeks just with Meredith. Getting engaged is a big thing, especially for you. After everything you two have been through you should take a few weeks off," he says.