Who will ever know?

Entry #38: Thats not what I meant.

"That's not what I meant."
Is the staple in my vocabulary, because in case you didn't notice words and me are not friends. Say what you mean  then. Believe me I am trying.

When I say "I love you" I do not mean I wish to kiss you. I mean that you mean the world to me, and I want you to know that I care. That if you dissapeared I would notice. I would move mountians if thats what it took to find you again.

When I ask my mother why she changed her cooking to help my fathers health, Her answer was Because I want to keep him around. I wasn't asking why she would bother, I was asking why does it help. What diffrences is there in the food, why does fish make it better.

When I told them I was an insomiac, they did not believe me because they had never seen it. I did not mean my sleeplessness was cause by trama. I mean it is a stress effected problem, They never see it because I am not stressed when I am there. Perhaps on occassion but it is not the right kind.

When I stated that money was the reason we would not get all the tattoos we wished at once. I did not mean that I thought you could not afford it. I meant that tattoos are expensive as shit and for any one it takes time to earn the money for them. I did not doubt that if you wanted you would.

My first time I got to be the hunted for cabin leader hunt. I was so excited I buried myself in a fallen tree. I was the second to last person to be found. The kids even said I was just as hard to find as the guy in the gillysuit. So I was very proud, and was telling the other cabin leader of this compliment when one of the children piped up and said I wasn't hard to catch.Making me sound like a liar.    Bitch. Nobody said hard to catch, it was hard to Find.

I am aware that things rarely get intterpreted as I mean. "Pick Me" is a label I wish to heaven and back to get rid of. To stop people from giveing it to me.

I am trying.