Here And Now

16. What Insecurity Looks Like

"I-I-" He stutters, his face pale.

"Don't make me regret staying, Weston." It took a whole lot of effort for me to stay and face the shambles of my marriage.

It's funny how even though Weston is the one who cheated and ruined our marriage, I am the one who is having difficulty facing him. Facing and looking into the face of something that was so beautiful once but now it lies tarnished and corroded.

Not withered. No, something withers away with time and lack of effort. But our marriage has been corroded by the man I call my husband, corroded like a giant empty vessel in its prime which was left out in the open carelessly. Of course it can still act as a vessel, it's functionality isn't gone, but it's entire appeal and reason just poof.

"What, um, how do you know?" For the first time since yesterday all the energy seems to have drained from his body.

"You mean I should describe how you had the audacity to kiss your mistress in a party full of people who know you're married or the fact that said wife was present at the party while your mistress had her hands down your pants and you moaned?" His face has reddened once again.

"I am sorry Ap-"

"If I wanted apologies I would have picked up one of your hundred calls last night. I want to know when it started, how it started. And why?" Despite all my willpower my voice cracks at the end.

He sighs anxiously. Then turns around to sit the edge of the bed.

"I want you to know that I did not start this-this-"

"Affair." I harden my voice.

"Yes, that. She started it."

He says it like I am supposed be relieved and shower him with kisses for not initiating an affair? Because it does not soothe the fire inside me. I think he sees it too.

"It started five months ago." He pauses, looking at me.

Five months ago? Five? Five months ago Weston was unchanged. He was loving, caring, doting and as invested in our family as the first day of our marriage.

And he was still at his old job. He started changing into this forgetful, rotten person when he quit working there.

It doesn't make any sense.

"April?" His eyes meet mine, pleadingly.

"It's best I don't speak right now, Weston."

"Okay, okay, just here me out, alright?" He gets up to pace the length of the room, runs a hand through his hair and breathes through his mouth.

***

WESTON

This is not where I saw myself when I met April eleven years ago.

Correction, I met her ten years ago, but I saw her for the first time a year before that.

It took me a year of following her around like a lovesick puppy for her to finally notice me.

When she looked at me she only saw me, there were so many men and women who looked at her, wanted her but she only saw me. That day I made a silent promise that I would erase all causes of her tears.

I never intended to become one.

"Look, I didn't even ever think of cheating on you alright? Five months ago she came to the office to have lunch with Rubin, we all talked and later she followed me to my office. We talked some more but then she kissed me.

"I want you to know that as soon as the shock wore off I ran out of there and came straight home. I swear, April, I have never even looked at another woman since you."