Dont get it confused babe. Put that little heart back together, I don't want or plan on going
I dont want to be free from you. I want you to be free from that situation that is super unhealthy and abusive for you. I'm not in my emotions right now but im still going to be direct in calling you out on the things i think you tell yourself that aren't quite right.
Every time i see you submit to four unjustly, in phones, in credit cards, in sex, nightly massages, in just fucking staying within eyesight I finally understand why I hate it so much. I feel the pain of his abuses once for you and again for me and I'm forced to confront something that I really struggle with. He is still your master, and you still submit to him.
Laugh if you want but my goofy bible thumping past keeps thinking Matthew 6:24 - No one can serve two masters - is there truth in that? idk maybe. Not because the bible says it, but I think I still see it. Let me try and show you.
I know your little self sacrificing ass wont fix that situation you are in just because its the right thing for you (maybe everyone). So let me frame it different. I'm not letting you tell the story where it only hurts them (and not insignificantly you). There's another side of that coin where it hurts me and it hurts us. It's not just your mental health, time and future you are spending, it's mine too... and that cost is huge. That's the point I was making last night - it wasn't that I want to leave
And if that's true, and it objectively is. Then you chose between hurting them or hurting us. No one can serve two master. The fact that you chose to hurt us instead means that your loyalty lies with them.
Perhaps even more telling is that I wake up this morning to your solution, I should leave so that you can stay.
It's a hard truth, and I'm not letting it go. I get that this shit is complicated. There are a million reasons why it makes sense for you to keep things the way they are - You don't have to justify them. But I want you to see it for what it is. You chose your master
I'm not in a place of anger or hurt. There's no threat of me leaving you. This is from a place of love and respect and desire to improve our lives. Our back and forth is starting to coalesce into some much clearer points for me. I'm trying to share some of that clarity.
One of our biggest issues you tell me is that you don't feel 'real' to me and I've thought a lot about it. Most of that is a difference in what we value, but the part that isn't - the part that touches on your real fear is this. I feel like I have to protect myself because I don't believe that your biggest commitment lies with us, I think it still lies with them, and I'm not convinced that will ever change.
Please prove me wrong though
That's a really rough problem, But if you are worried that I want to leave, you are wrong. This not as much my sticking point as it is your sticking point. I can love you either way, but the consequences are that even if you feel like my wife in my heart you just wont seem as real because you don't seem ready to make it real yet. Maybe even more terrifying is that life wont stop for you to make a decision, if we keep building in separate directions it's hard to predict the fallout.
It does kinda feel like a design of your own making kind of problem
My sticking point is similar but far easier to resolve. my obligation to M is just as strong, probably more so because shes not an adult yet. its a bit tricky but by no means impossible for me to manage both a responsibility to you and her. but it does require you to be solid and reliable. and recent events have really shaken my belief that you are. This shit runs deep, but like i said, its far easier to resolve.
---- after you read all of that remind yourself that I love the fuck out of you, im still here, we are still fixing it. and we will get there. this is the shit that i tell you while you are asleep so that when you are awake we can focus on less stressful things and play a bit.
