Phew okay finally got a sec.
Nowadays he is constantly patrolling keeping an eye on all my activities asking me what I'm doing who I'm messaging.
He's constantly pissed whether it's at me or the girls. He keeps rage cleaning.
I feel constantly on edge. I'm dying to say a million things to you but I can't and it's driving me nuts. I think we gotta switch to here and I cover by releasing a lot of kqq content and when he asks I'm writing.
And he's not even busy at work so all he has to do all day is make me angry by trying to talk about his fantasies while I try not to snap at him. 'I will arrange a guy-'
'NO'
'There is no need to react like that I am just talking to you' and me trying to quiet my rage.
Found a problem he can't solve to keep him at bay - I'm only interested in fucking Snape
Anyway I hate it I feel like I'm trying to juggle (and failing) while keeping a bright smile on my face at all times
Are you entertained?
—- hi love bad nightmares
V was breathing talking but we knew she was dying. I told her I loved her and she refused to respond in kind. I begged her and she was unmoved. I've had a few dreams like this she never agrees to say she loves me and every time she refuses it breaks my heart more. I didn't feel like she was present during the dream. This one was a creation of my own monstrous mind.
At her funeral O shows me this pic of the beast but it's my face in the photo and she says you look exactly like her.
I was watching V die. Waiting again. A common theme in my dreams. Waiting for V to die was the worst thing I've ever experienced.
Imagine two weeks of knowing she's going to die and waiting for it to happen. There's this irrational hope this horrendous dread fear pain
It broke my mind.
————
—- you are talking as though you live in a universe where my no equals no.
I have said no a Million Times!!!!! I have said NO. I'm not interested. It's not my taste. I hate it. You are upsetting me. It's just not my thing. I just don't want to. And I fucking hate it I don't want to hear about it ever again.
Then I am told what I like.
He insists he knows me and it is what I want. I am designed for this. It is the only thing I'm interested in. I have reached the point of tears when trying to insist upon my own preferences. So you saying that is super annoying. Like if I just say no I don't like he'll say 'oh okay then' and accept my answer. He tells me who I am a hundred times a day. And it never feels like who I feel I am. But my opinion on who I am is irrelevant apparently.
I wish you were here for this mind warping shir. It's so hard to hold onto myself.
He tells me who I am daily
"you can't help it you're a cheater.
"You are someone who gets bored of people
"You are someone who can never be happy with anyone
"No relationship with you can last
"You are full of anger
Etc etc
It is unending and constant. Sometimes I find myself believing him.
That's why I'm so desperate to be seen.
I want to be reminded of who I am.
Sometimes I wish you'd tell me who I am the way he does.
Tell me about your day
- the thing about V is that she was very rash. And very vengeful. She would make you feel her displeasure no matter the cost.
Rash in the kind of way that means on a different day she might have made a different choice.
I wrote another letter. Been stalling a bit bc an important chapter is coming up and writing it will be rough. It's going to be the turning point because I'm going to let people in on another demon of mine. Anyway this letter closes out my sea and sky moment. Probably not how you'd expect.
Then I'll write my letter to Doug Bollinger.
