so you said a lot of shit there,
but it reads a little strage to me. he brought up examples from ten years ago and yet you say that he decimated your character so effectively that you started to belive him, that you feel like a shitty person. but in what way? that you are wired to cheat? or something more/other than that?
I'm really not sure how this nice and generous side goes, you might have to explain it to me a little better. wheres the generousity?
and I guess im most confused by where you see things going from here?
"He was establishing a pattern of behaviour. As though I'm just a serial cheater getting carried away in the moment whenever someone pays attention to me." right and you also said that you think you might believe him so im asking you what YOU think about this?
"So my head is a muddle trying to figure out the go forward. But I love you. And if I'm honest with him, let that bleed through he will probably support my choices if he's in the generous mood." what does this even mean? what do you expect me to take frim this?
"His love language is acts of service. He gets off on the idea of sacrifice for love. He can be very giving." yeah im gunna take more convincing before i can see this one... this is the guy who loves to rape you when you are are hurting the most.
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IDK babe, im reallystrugglingto wrap my headaround what you are even suggesting here
you imagine thathe just watches us together until he "offers you to me?" what does that even mean
like theres something fundamental missing in this plan and it makes no sense? did you jedi mind trick you? blink twice if you need help kinda shit
Hes not going to offer you to me in any way that makes sense and the implications of any way i can imagine you meaning that arent good.
I'm really struggling with this
"but that's the thing he would offer you to me forreal if he saw how serious this is" no he wouldnt, not really. to fuck maybe, to spend time with even.... but theres a fundamental shift in your thinking here. now you think like you belong to him. and you are his to offer up
hes a cuck, why would he care if you met with Jan, or me, hes been trying to get you to do that for years. as long as hes in control. as long as theres no threat of ever losing you. what do you think he meant when it was ok for you to see Jan... that you could marry him if thats what you wanted? or that its ok for you to have other lovers as long as hes in control. we both know its the latter
and thats not me babe. I dont work like that
"He would've let me marry Jan." great then what are we waiting for? we can get married and you can keep your family
"You don't know him like I do." no but the entire picture I have of him is the one you've painted. and none of this is compatible with that person
" It would seem contradictory to anyone who doesn't know him like I do. Easy example- he is really really stingy. We go hungry instead of eating out. But if I want a dress he won't get it unless it's really expensive." thats not contradictory so mach as its an indication of what he values
"Anyway now my head is even more messy - before it was so clear - I build with you openly, he gives us his blessing and I keep my family and get to have you." it sounds likeyou think that you belong to him, that you need his blessing, that its UP to him whether we have a future or not. that if we dance for him pretty enough maybe he will let it continue
you dont see a problem with that?
"I mean do you see a downside to us building openly?" were not building on anything solid because its all contingent on his offering you to me someday. but he never has, not when he thought you were in love, not when he himself was married, not when you were too young for it anyway. I don't give a fuck about his blessing and I dont think it will ever come. he will try to tear you down and break you and your confidence in any future where you dont belong to him.
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I want you to keep your family too babe
My head is so fucked up rn babe, theres just too much insane shit for me to make any sense of it
week was fine spent some time with friends
got the squirell a little more trusting
turns out shes dumb as nails
shit my head is swimming rn
Its not the open that the problem babe - its that you are his
"How do you know the squirrel is a she? Is there a way to tell?" cause its you babe, you cant hide those eyes
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My week has been hell babe. you told me that you two fucked and then you basically dissapeared. I cant stop thinking about it, and why you didnt stop it. I cant stop replaying how you chose him even before the trip so why would you. It's not pretty in my head. and then you tell me how kind and loving he is. maybe someday he will give us his blessing.
I'm trying so fucking hard, but I cant pull this shit together in my head
"I thought we were getting better, not worse." idk babe maybe we are... but i cant escape that you didnt stop him. I wrote you a whole bunch of shit about it, then erased it all and left just that thought so that you couldnt ignore it, but you did anyway. and its just really hard to not let my traumas run wild with that shit. and you said you chose him over us. and that felt like the proof. It feels so hard not to see your choices playing a role in this. and it really has me fucked up.
my head is just too many racing thoughts to make sense of anything
" he was allowing" you know how it sounds right? did you even tell him to stop?
I love you too. and I know its not any easy position for you. you seemed like you were in a really good mood, and sorry for bringing it down. we dont have to get into it. but its been tearing me apart all week. I never know if I should shut up about this shit or tell you.
I dont know what you mean by that shit babe. but to me it feels like we had established that if you told him No strong enough that he knew you meant it, that he wouldnt. to me it felt like you had decided to tell him no, and to me it felt like that was because you chose us. It also sounds like you didnt stop him this time. but how would i know, you never say, despite me mentioning it half a dozen times
"You are free to draw your own conclusions I guess. Judge as you will" I'm not trying to pass judgement but I am trying to understand something thats verrry difficult for me to understand. especially when you never gave me your reasons. and looking back at other reasons you have given me, trying to find one that makes sense. you saying that you chose him not us keeps pounding in my head so loud its hard to push it away.
-Ok love, I understand
It still tears me apart inside, but I understand
It's way past my bedtime these days
I should really try to sleep
I love you babe
Mua
