hey love,
"Also Damn when I wasn't eating or sleeping wish I had the entitlement of calling upon my fix it genie to turn up fix my life then disappear until I need them again. I just had to wing it"
I'm not really sure what you are trying to say with this one, but its probably having the opposite effect of what you had intended. maybe you mean shes an intitled little princess for not taking care of me back, or maybe its a reminder that you had it so much worse. I feel you venom in the word entitlement, but take it out and that starts to hit on how i feel.
Itfeels like theres something fundamental in me that you miss here. I dont want shit from her anymore, I dont want the favor returned, or to fix anything, i dont want to even know how shes doing. but i do want her to be happy and i do want to ease her suffering.
If I could go help little you with nothing in return to show for it, I could be a cat that walks through your door or a dog that meets a tragic end... I would do that shit in a heartbeat if it got you through.
Think of what it must mean to her to have a genie. think of why she told her frends to contact me in an emergency. no matter how much time, distance, hurt or anger fills the space between us, she knows that when shes at her worst. when her friends, simps, and family cant get through to her, I could... and just as important she knows that i would. Is it shitty for her to call on me, definitely. But I'm not sure that its not just a shitty for me to ignore it.
She felt like she had a safety net, even if i never wanted her to use it, that feeling is still helpful. I'm guessing that she read every word i sent her friend, and despite the denail was the reason that they were sent. I feel guilty as fuck, not just because i could have put her back together and didnt, but also like i took away her safety net and made the world feel like a much more dangerous and lonely place for her. and i know what that shit means to her.
Imagine if I could have been there before you took those pills... Imagine if you called me and i rejected you- thats the guilt i feel
the life of a genie must really suck, always waiting for that third wish to set you free and never getting it. Fore me the responsibility to help and the desire to be set free are two independent things. I help people because its who I am, not because I think i will get something out of it.
This is deep in my core and something about that statement you said made me feel like you dont quite understand this part of me. which feels strange coming from you. I felt like it was in you too, but maybe its close but not quite the same.
IDK maybe this will paint a clearer picture
The part of me that believes that I can ever be loved is broken. The part of me that believes that you and i will have any kind of a happy ending Has been shattered so many times that i dont even recognize it anymore. How many times have I told you that thats not why im here? If it was just for my third wish i would have abandened this quest long ago. if anything me wanting a future with you is getting in the way
fuck telling you this is hitting someplace deep... hard to say whats real and whats an emotional reaction right now. feels like I have to uproot as much of my own needs and wants as i can, like they are some kind of weed, thats feels like a really unhealthy thought.... maybe i need to just take a break and think on it more.
--- I'm not really sure what to make of that Four canoe story. most men have to much pride to not paddle. you make him sound like a child. and maybe thats the best way to think of him. not like someone capable of taking care of you more like someone who is still undeveloped in those areas.... but it makes you wonder why he never developed into that person that takes full responsability. hmm. maybe that doesnt quite fit. in other areas he keeps you from developing responsibility.
and the blow up over a nap thing... its absurd. why would you let him treat you like that? ... thats a question you should really ask yourself. I think its fundamental to you being healthy. hunger strikes arent the way babe. it bothers me that you took that approach. dont let people treat you like shit.
the laughing maniachally would be fun to see. your evil side coming out... i almost forgot but you were in my dream last night, i cant remember it though. i just remember waking up thinking that i had to tell you, but it was like 5 in the morning so i went back to sleep
