Hey love
I love you. I'm not going to leave you. I'm leaning how to do better and I want you to feel safe.
Things rough here atm while on Pepper death watch.
Tell me about the fight and Ms party
—— things got way worse last night. He yelled Pepper is dead again. Once again this was not true. I asked him lightly to stop doing that. Then I jokingly reminded him about the time he did that to me. (When I was 8 I fainted, dropped straight on the floor and four yells 'she's dead!' I still remember hearing that and thinking ?????) anyway this sends him into a spiral of rage where he is screaming at me and listening my misdemeanours. (Getting frustrated the day before and telling him not to make false death announcements) He says the kind of things that crawl into my brain and make a home there. Like
'Noone can live with you'
'You just need to crush people'
'You won't be happy unless you destroy and humiliate people'
And basically made it clear that nobody can ever like me or love me. And tells me how he generously tolerates my existence every day. Was about to kick off on what the girls think about me when he stopped himself - probably to avoid self incrimination.
When the issue calmed down I asked really nicely 'what do you like about me?' Instant screaming. Apparently this question'made him feel cornered' 'do you want me to lie to your face' 'this is an inappropriate question' 'I know what you are trying to do'
My head is done in, went to bed past midnight and I'm a second from tears.
Anyway during the argument he is so fucking rude making faces yelling and spitting nasty words. He makes this weird maniacal rage smile while covering his mouth with two fingers like he's trying to smoke. that I just want to wipe off his face. So I point out that he can't call me rude when he behaves this way. Obviously he didn't like that either. And he tells that I accuse him of yelling. Complains that I say he stomps when angry (he does)
Im tired and broken and I hate him.
- the backstory is everything I do the same.
Oh so that ghost train story I wrote when I was like 16, reread it and I now feel like it's cringe af. But I found a couple short very important pieces to me. Only a few paragraphs each. I wrote those at 17/18 and I think you'd definitely have big thoughts about them. One is that puppet piece - the one where I decided my approach to survival as I wrote it. Then there is a library one (like two paragraphs) that I still like even though I wrote it so long ago. I posted them on Wattpad and I'll add it to the library of this account. Don't comment there, just tell me here what you think. It's called 'short stories' okay added to library of this account.
Oh yeah your suicidal question- definitely been feeling less suicidal of late.
————
Ms party experience sounds like it went really well.
That fight does sound cool. The backstory is everything.
Okay how about we switch from Chiaro to kqq on Insta?
Poor baby pls take it easy have painkillers wish I was there to fuss over you. Mwah
Oh my earcuffs came - on the bright side four hates them. I think you would love them. These little golden snakes winding around the curve of my upper ear. It's meaningful to me. But also cute and a tiny mysterious detail.
My ears are super tiny and earcuffs don't fit had to bend the metal to make it work
- My ears shiw often my hair is often up or pulled back. Or mostly tossed over my right shoulder. I only put it down for the pics I take for you lol. Even better if you only catch a glimpse behind my hair though. Make you look twice. Like did I just see I tiny golden snake ? Oh yeah four has a fear of snakes
Oh he tried to come back with something he liked about me get this
"I like your cooking and you are beautiful"
Are you seeing what I'm seeing here?
