Ghost's Dream Book

Author's Note

Hey y'all. I've been away for nearly a year. I swear, it feels like I was just on here a few weeks ago. I guess I should go ahead and update y'all on my life, before jumping back into the dreams.

I'm still here in Houston. I never went to Idaho like I had planned. I was really looking forward to that move, but things happen.

So, in the course of this past year, I've had three different jobs. As much as I hate to tell myself this, I became dead broke. I've had to work my way back up. It's been one humbling year. The job I have currently, has provided me with enough hours, and pay to save up again. I'm not nearly where I'd like to be financially, but way better in contrast to this time last year. I'll be in my own place alone again soon. I give all thanks to God.

This year, there were times where I was losing myself. Stress, anxiety, and depression wore on me so tough, that I started to feel like I was in a simulation of the same day every twenty four hours. I was numb, then I became depressed (no one knew), then I felt like the stress was weighing on me as if someone dropped a ton of bricks on my back.

I hated how I felt. No one should ever be as broke as I was. I was making chump change. That's how I felt. It was difficult to save up when EVERYTHING costs money. Took me an entire year! The costs of everything is consistently rising, but our pay isn't. I hate that the mfs who run the world know this, and do nothing. I hate that most of the world can hardly afford to be here. I hate that we are controlled, and run by morons, and there's nothing we can do about that. I hate that some people get to live a better quality life experience just because they have more money. Something digital! Whatever...

I also became more isolated than I've ever been. At the main job I had, working at the sex shop, I worked alone overnight where hardly any customers would come in. I was getting little to no interaction with anyone. It was home, then work, home, then work. Repeat.

I cut communication with anyone that I once considered my friend. Long story short, if you feel like they wouldn't do you like that, just know that everyone has the capability. Not everyone is going to be as solid as you are, no matter how long you've known them. Nearly every friend I've ever had, has taken me for granted, betrayed me, back stabbed me, abandoned me. I'm alright with it though. I'm appreciative of myself for always being solid.

So after becoming friendless, it was almost like I had to learn how to socialize again. People scared me more than ever. If I heard people outside, it was almost as if my heart would start racing. I would nearly shut down when it was time to go to work. I hated people. (Always have. Don't let me fool you.)

I do feel like part of that has more to do with just me going through mental instability, and less about being betrayed.

I was VERY skeptical of everyone, even people clearly not worried about me. Still am. I'll always have my guard up.

I haven't dated in FOREVER, so I've forgotten what it feels like to have feelings for anyone. LMAO. When someone expresses interest in me, I'm like...nah. Everyone scares me. I don't trust anyone.

I do miss having a man though. I told myself (and my family who won't stfu about me being single all the time) , that I'm not going to start dating again until I get myself right. Not just financially, but mentally. I've always been against therapy, but I'd probably benefit from it, right?... I'm not going to go into every detail of my fuuuucked up mind right now though. I've already opened up too much. But I do know, in order to maintain a healthy friendship, or romantic relationship with someone again, I have to learn to be alright with intimacy, and intimate settings again. I have to learn to take my walls down again.

I never expected to get knocked down again, but it's NEVER happening again. I mean that. I MEAN THAT.

Money is LITERALLY the root of all evil. Most of my problems would be solved if I were wealthy. Most my family's problems too. All I want is to be able to support them, donate to those in need, and travel the world.

I have many aspirations aside from writing, which I've spoken about a bit on here. I've started to branch out, and begin exploring these things.

I've spoken about streaming on Twitch, and rebooting my YouTube channel here before. That's my main focus right now. I've never been more determined to do something ever.

I still have an interest in music, but I'm not sure if I'd ever join a girl group/band again.
I'm getting too old, I feel. I'll post covers, and originals on socials. Whatever happens with that, happens. That's how I feel about it at this point. (I spoke a little about my girl group journey in an earlier author's note if you're curious about it.)

To end this note, I just want to say my current focus is, streaming on Twitch (and Kick). I'll be streaming video games since I've been gaming since my childhood. I also come from a gamer family. (Both sides) YouTube of course, where I'll be uploading different game plays, skits, vlogs, music, silent art videos etc., and then just continue working at my job until I don't need that shiii anymore. (I feel bad when I complain about my job, cuz I literally prayed for it, and got it. Lmfaooo like be grateful mf.)

Anyways, I needed to get that off my chest, and document my feelings to look back on.

I'll be continuing this book for as long as I live, cuz of course, you don't just stop dreaming.

The end of Digital Nympho is near.

ALSO, I'm going to be headed to Los Angeles for YouTuber Berleezy's bday ball. I'm going with my old roommate from Austin, and this other really cool being I've known for about two years now. My lil gang. Only two mfs I don't mind being around. Only problem is none of us live in the same place. LMAO so it still feels like I have no friends. 💀💀

We're gonna be filming a skit, and some interviews.

We all need this trip after the year we've been through.

I also made a new book cover for this story.

Anyways Ima shut up now. Y'all be blessed, and stay tuned.

-Ghost 🖤