Crazy In Love | Buggy

s e v e n t y - n i n e

The walk back to the ship felt as if it had taken me years. The world was spinning around me, worry swelled up inside of me and made me feel like I might choke on my fear. When I finally reached the ship, I went straight back to Buggy's room.

In my mind, as I walked, I had concocted a fantasy that I would find Buggy there waiting for me. He would rush to me, sweep me into his arms and hold me while I cried out my frustration. He would make it all okay again. He always did.

But, when I got to his bedroom, it was as I had left it. No sign of Buggy. Suddenly, my legs gave out from under me and I fell crashing into the wooden floor. My body refused to answer my instructions. I just stayed there, lying motionless as the reality of what I had done crashed down on me.

I did not have to kill Jacques. I could have ran, I could have slashed him somewhere none lethal. But I had chosen to plummet that knife directly into his chest. I had known it would kill him. I had wanted him to die. He deserved it... didn't he? He would have done much worse to me.

The logic of the situation did not stop the disgust and regret from swallowing me whole. I had changed. I had changed in ways that I had not thought would be possible for me. Sure this was not the first time I had killed, but it was the first time I wanted to kill.

Me and Buggy had changed one another completely. I had made him softer, more loving. It had ruined his life, in a way. He had no crew. They had betrayed him, because of me. He had changed me too, into the type of person who could kill simply because they wanted to.

Finally, my limbs responded to me enough to allow me to curl up into a ball on the floor. Before I knew it, I was embraced by sleep once more.

●

"Betty?"

I was dreaming of Buggy. It was us, back in that hotel room. Those were they happiest times of my life and now they were over. In my dream, we were in bed together, I was in his strong arms and his lips were on mine. It wasn't a sexual kiss, it was a soothing one. Those were my favourite type of kisses. It was as if his lips could make the worries of the world evaporate.

"Betty? Wake up. Are you hurt?"

Why was he asking me this? This dream, it wasn't like that. It was...

Suddenly, my eyes shot open, and I was awake and back in reality. Reality was a crushing disappointment compared to my dream. My body ached from being grabbed and thrown around by Jacques. My face felt sore from crying. My disappointed turned to relief when I saw Buggy, his face full of panic and worry.

He opened his mouth to speak again but was cut off by me leaping up into a sitting position, and into his arms. Just like my dream, his arms made me feel instantly safe and warm. My body felt as if it was melting into his.

I noticed the way that he was holding me was different. His grip was tight, as if he was scared I would fall apart or disappear.

He spoke. His voice was deep, and had a sound in it I did not recognise. "Betty, what the hell happened when I was away?"

I didn't know what to say. I was such an idiot. Why had I left? Of course Buggy would come back. He always did. Yet my anxiety had gotten the best of me.

"I..." I wished we didn't have to talk about this. I just wanted to curl up in bed with him. "I went looking for you."

If I had thought his grip on me was tight before, it was nothing in comparison to this. It felt as if he might snap me into two pieces. In a way, it was comforting. In another, it was just suffocating.