Frozen 3

Chapter 44

Ryder

"She's a very beautiful woman. Don't tell me you've always been insensitive to her charm."

Kristoff's words never left my mind. They had been trotting through my head all night and haunting me. I had never doubted myself so much, despite the difficult times I had gone through. But why? I did not really know, I had never felt such contradictory feelings. The anger caused by the discovery of Honeymaren's relationship with Elsa had not dissipated. Every time I remembered the embrace of the two young women in front of my helpless eyes, I was ranting inwardly. Was it just anger though? This deep tear that had split my chest in two by surprising them made me believe that not. A wound hidden but which nevertheless left a wound wide open in me, a cut not wanting and not able to close despite all my attempts.

Since Elsa left, my sister seemed devastated. She no longer had any motivation for anything and seemed upset or even hurt. By what? I didn't know. I tried to show compassion to her but I could not remain sincere in her presence. I preferred to avoid him as much as possible so as not to have to bear his sad look. The smiles we exchanged were just a facade to hide our true feelings towards each other. Honeymaren had been deeply touched by my words and my reaction after discovering her relationship with Elsa, I could see it. I didn't apologize and I didn't intend to apologize. Everything I said, I really meant. I had been tough, but I was the only one of us who was really realistic. Any homosexual couple was banned and destroyed immediately. It had always been like this why could my sister imagine that it would change for her and Elsa? His perpetual optimism and naivety sometimes baffled me. She couldn't imagine how hard I was trying to keep this whole thing to myself. I knew that if we learned about their relationship, I could lose them both.

Deep down, I was glad they were finally apart. The psychological torture that the sight of their couple usually caused was no longer imposed on me – at least until the former queen's return. But this guilty joy was accompanied by a lack. The same lack that Honeymaren suffered from. Elsa's lack.

***

I had left my little cabin very early, trying to stay as quiet as possible so as not to wake my sister. I had not taken the time to eat – this whole thing had cut my appetite – and went straight out. Although it was only five o'clock in the morning, the outside heat had seemed overwhelming, forcing me to immediately remove the jacket I was wearing.

I was now waiting by the creek not far from Camp Northuldra. My flock would calmly quench their thirst while I counted each of my animals. The reindeer looked exhausted. Most of them moved only very slowly, stopping regularly to drink or lying down in the half-dried grass. This sudden general exhaustion worried me. The animals weakened visibly and suffered terribly from the heat. It had been several days since I could find them a grazing area in which they could hope to find something to eat. In fact, no rancher could find food for his herd anymore. It was becoming more and more problematic. The reindeer could not last long in this climate of heat and lack of food. That worried me terribly. I felt that I had to witness the decline of my flock by being perfectly powerless. Females waiting for pups soon reached the end of their gestation. I slowly approached one of them and gently placed a hand on the side of her belly. There, under this fur, a small fragile creature that would barely fit on its legs would soon experience the most difficult test of its life. I gently stroked the female, who, seeming perfectly indifferent to my presence, was assiduously looking for a remnant of fresh grass that she would never find. Feeling his little one react to my hand, I smile sadly realizing that he could not survive long if the situation did not improve. Disappointed, I sat down on a rock a few meters away. Little by little, some curious reindeer approached me with a slow and tired step. One of them lay down beside me and came to rest his head against my thigh. I sighed while carelessly caressing the animal.

"Maybe Kristoff is right in the end...I definitely need to... like Elsa more than I think," I thought aloud.

The reindeer looked up at me.

«Do not look at me like that, you know very well what I mean» I threw to him while noticing his look filled with incomprehension.

The animal uttered a slight roar and rubbed his head against my leg.

"You really think I should tell her that... I... love her?"

He stood up and gave me a little snout in the shoulder.

"Yes I know... It cost me to say it... But it's easy for you! You have almost nothing to do and they all fall between your hooves!" I pointed out with my chin the females that were standing a few meters from us.

The reindeer looked vexed and gave me a glare. I sighed.

"Well... Excuse me for questioning your flirting techniques but at least try to understand me. I'm just a poor guy with no love experience but who's crazy about the most inaccessible woman in the world! If you knew her you would understand me! She has hair so... And a smell so... And her eyes! They are beautiful her eyes. She impresses me a lot you know... Sometimes I feel completely out of touch when I talk to her... She destabilizes me every time she looks at me and I can't help it... You know, when I found out she had powers, it kind of killed my blood. And then I finally realized that was what made her unique. But I had to realize it too late... My sister understood it well before me and I couldn't... I didn't have... well, you know... I didn't have any opportunity. And I will still have none now that they both love each other... It would take a miracle for them to separate. Oh I know! It is not necessary to shoot me with the glance I am well aware that it is not what a brother should wish to his sister. But this is my only chance if I ever hope to tell her how crazy she makes me, to the point of coming to a reindeer who will never understand me about all my problems!"

***

The animal got back on its feet and left as if nothing had happened. I was going crazy. I became completely insane so that I made monologues in front of my herd, convinced that it could provide me with unfailing support in these great moments of uncertainty. Elsa made me lose my head. It was obvious now. I had no doubt about that. Kristoff had seen him and understood him directly. But it was only now that she was away from me that I realized it. It took me time, that was all. Time to tell me that I loved a woman who loved my own sister. But what could I do? It would be madness to tell Elsa the whole truth. Either she would laugh at me or she would walk away from me forever. Either way, I would lose her. But after all, perhaps that was the necessary outcome of this undivided love. Perhaps there was no alternative. This imaginary relationship was doomed to never exist. Yet I still had to try. It was my only chance. I had to confess everything to Elsa as soon as she came back, even if it meant making a fool of myself. I had to seize the opportunity for the first time in my life.

There were roars around me. I looked up at my flock. It had moved along the stream without even realizing it to avoid the gradual advance of the sun. However, the reindeer suddenly seemed more agitated as if something was troubling them. The group was no more than an indistinct mass of wood and hooves. I stood up and approached it. I managed to sneak between the animals and fought my way to what attracted their attention. There, on the increasingly yellowish grass, lay what would mark the beginning of a radical change in our lives.