Frozen 3

Chapter 16

Kristoff

This hut, isolated deep in the woods. It smelled of pine needles all the time. I knew that smell perfectly. It had been tickling my nostrils for seven years. I did not like this place. I had never liked it. It was always dark, even in the middle of summer. But winter was the worst season. It seemed to me to last eight months of the year. Then I had to stay locked up, alone in this old house that I hated. I had nothing to do there but wander from room to room looking for something to do, which I never found. Sometimes I would kneel on my bed, put my hands on the window sill just above and watch the snowflakes fall gracefully outside. I could spend hours in this position, marveling at the beauty of nature. I was not allowed to go out alone. I was forbidden. The wolves, hungry in this season, did not hesitate to approach the men. But was that the only reason for this ban? Certainly not. Was it enough to prevent me from braving it? No, of course not. So, not being able to stand being locked up and having to watch behind a glass what I was so excited about, I went out. The door, although locked, had never been an obstacle for me. I had known for a long time where the spare keys were hidden. All I had to do was lift a few logs waiting by the fireplace to find it. I sat in the snow, only a few meters in front of the cabin. I was surrounded by huge pine trees that had always impressed me by their size and majesty. I was just a tiny, unimportant being, who would never leave a trace in this world as these great trees, standing for decades, could do. I pushed my little hands into the thick layer of snow beneath me. I didn't mind the icy touch of the crystallized water against my skin. It was as if I didn't feel anything. Yet, after only a few minutes, my fingers were reddening and stiffening from the cold. It was getting harder and harder to move them. But I didn't care. I lay down on the ground, using the fresh snow as a giant mattress. And then I watched. I watched a squirrel leap from one pine tree to another, perfectly controlling its delicate landing. I watched the flakes swirl in the gray sky before coming to stick to my skin. They didn't resist for long and melted immediately, forming a small droplet of water that would then drip down my cheek or forehead. I closed my eyes and listened to the silence of the forest.

***

I found this silence in this same room. I was however far from the forest, far from these smells, these sensations. I did not feel the cold of the snow under my skin. No, I could only feel the softness of my sheets. However, I knew that the prevailing calm would not last. It had been the same, seventeen years before...

***

Suddenly a shot rang out in the distance. I stood up in panic. I looked up at the sky. Crows flew overhead, cawing in panic. I knew what it meant. He was coming. I struggled to my feet, my feet sinking into the powder. I tried to run to the hut. I didn't want him to see me. Not outside. I tried to push open the heavy wooden door. It didn't open. I had been careful not to let it close. The wind must have blown it down, blocking the lock. I rummaged in my coat pocket. The key was not there. I turned around, looking at the snowy area I had been lying on just a few seconds earlier. It had to be there, somewhere. I had to find it, and fast. I threw myself flat on the ground, digging desperately into the snow. He was getting closer, I was sure. I could almost hear his footsteps. Yet I had to keep going, keep trying to find that key. It was my only chance. But it was too late. A tall, bearded man with an imposing build came out of the woods. He carried a rifle slung over his shoulder. I looked away when I saw a young deer - the fruit of his hunt - on his shoulders. Being nine years old, I had never understood the value of killing a defenseless animal. When he saw me lying on the ground, he lunged at me, grabbed me by the arm and lifted me up effortlessly.

"Kristian! What are you doing? I told you not to leave the hut ! You know it's dangerous! Anything could happen to you!" he roared.

I didn't answer anything, letting this man pull me to the door of the hut. He opened it without difficulty, taking out the other key he had. I didn't justify myself. I knew it was useless.

"Sometimes I just don't understand what's going on in your head! I work my ass off to take care of you every day. And what do I get in return? A stubborn kid who doesn't listen to anything we say! I'm beginning to understand why your parents abandoned you! It was the best decision of their lives, even if they don't know it," he continued, pushing me inside.

He closed the door behind him, locking us back into the darkness of the hut. He walked over to the large table in what was our dining room. He placed the dead deer there. A rancid smell reigned in the room. I felt sick to my stomach. It was repulsive.

"Sometimes I wonder why I agreed to take you in! I should have left you to someone else, but of course I had no choice! I was given a two year old kid in my arms without any say in the matter! And believe me, I wish I had!"

He took a large knife and began to cut up the animal. I tried to ignore him, trying to ignore the dead deer. But there was nothing in that old shack that could hold my attention long enough. The man continued his monologue. He was used to me not answering him. I hadn't said a word in years. I didn't feel like talking. Not with him. He was a stranger to me, even though we had lived together since I could walk. His voice no longer reached my ears. It was a distant sound, and I couldn't make out the words. I could only hear the blade of the knife rubbing against the wooden table...

***

A gust of wind noisily shaking my window woke me up. With my face still buried in my pillow, my eyes slightly ajar, an image remained of that dream. A face, but not the one of the bearded man I could only vaguely remember. No, a face that was clearly drawn in my mind. That of a blond boy of about ten years old. I then remembered his constantly sad look and his big empty brown eyes. He was the complete opposite of who I was now, and yet I felt a connection between us. It was normal after all. This little boy was my double. Kristian was a part of me that I had buried for a long time. Still stunned, I looked up at the little clock in my room. It was only six in the morning. It was rare that I slept that long. I was usually awake by four. Yet I felt much more tired than usual. My night had been horribly eventful. Memories had sometimes violently reappeared in my mind, stealing the place of almost all my dreams. They had crept into my memory while I was sleeping, the only time I was unable to control them, to stop their incessant demands to take control of me. They had pounced on me like a lion would have pounced on its prey. I thought I had buried that period of my life. I was wrong. At every opportunity, it tried to creep into my thoughts in an almost nagging way. This was what had happened and I had not been able to stop it. I hadn't thought or even dreamed about my parents in years. I knew very little about them. One of them was my name: Bjorgman. That was my only legacy, along with my mother's blonde hair. Her hair had been my last memory of her. Long blonde hair that I used to hide under when she carried me in her arms. When she had held me for the last time. I still remembered it, even though I was very young at the time. My parents had taken me in their sleigh to a place I didn't know in the forest. It was cold. My mother had covered me with a thick coat and a small woolen cap. When we arrived, she took me in her arms and held me close before putting me in the hands of a man I didn't know. She was crying. I didn't understand why. In that moment, my father hadn't counted. I couldn't even remember his face. He was a stranger. I had been obsessed by my mother's tears, she whom I had never seen sad until now. By mimicry, I had started to scream and cry too. She had simply leaned over to kiss me on the forehead and whispered these few words to me : 

"I want you to be strong, Kristian. Whatever you do, wherever you are, I want you to be strong."

Then she was gone, never looking back.