Vent art, poetry, and just... vent

Vomit (Part 2)

Attempt 2

TW: suicide, gross intrusive thoughts (auto-Necroph1lia), self destructive thinking, starvation, implications of CSA, mentioned r4pe

Dizziness clinging to me
Nothing even mattered
A empty bottle that once held the alcohol that was used to heavily intoxicate me
Dreary, a morbid feeling
Clinging inside me
Punishment, Pain, Gore
Daydreaming of a world full of love

That's all I wanted, love
To cuddle, to kiss, holding close
Maybe... a bit more.... If he was willing to give it
Maybe.... Even
A feeling of relief and joy

A feeling he gave more than anything
But never received
People gave it to me, gave me everything they had
But it's not enough
I never truly realized my abusive behavior when I was younger, how much it hurt when I essentially drained people dry of attention and love
Disgusting, I know

I guess he snapped me out of it
He's always been there, saving me from suicide attempt
Nonetheless, I was still here
I dropped the bottle off the bridge
No noise was heard, the water was to shallow

They talk about the pain
They draw the emptiness
The ramble about the way it effects others
They talk about the death
They always discuss the self loathing
I never understood why
They never speak about
They never care
About the joy, the internal smile, the masochistic pleasure in self destructive loathing

Fuck
This wasn't good
I needed it to end, my brain was pleading to end everything without second thoughts
I was in pain, begging for release
Begging for pain
Begging to be killed

I thought back to the starving
I never cared about weight, but I loved the way I felt
People still hated me, underweight or overweight or whatever
Disgusting body, filled with filth and worms
Smelling like rotten tuna
Maggots and tar
Filling me up
Buried deep inside, burning and sticking to my insides as I cried

Maybe if I'm dead, they'll not care and fuck my corpse
Rip it apart
Fill it up, force it down
Making me as disgusted as I am
If I was raped, I would receive what I deserve
Pain
Endless pain
I never deserved pleasure, I only take pleasure from pain

I look at the shimmering water
It's beautiful
So inviting, shiny glossy rocks
Soon, everything will be painted crimson
It will be perfect
I will be amazing, so perfectly happy
Tingling and burning

I jumped
More like pathetically tumbled
But jumping sounds more majestic

I remember the crack
My groans of pain
My gargling pained crying as I was plunged underwater
I remember the icy chill
It was so cold.....
The blood... so much
Pouring out of my body
My nose, head, legs, back, even my eyes
It hurt...
I remember the feeling of despair
I remember the aching
I remember the regret
I remember the darkness
I remember the blood that tasted sweet
I remember crying
I remember the pain..... so... much pain
I remember drowning
No air in my lungs, I tried to swim but I couldn't swim
Trying to scream

I died that day
More metaphorical than literally
It was awful
That's a understatement however
My skin was damaged
I was bleeding and covered in gashes

I try to forget
But even then those awful memories still flood my head