This Is My Story.

Depression.

16/06/15

I'm tired of feeling this way.

I don't want to say I'm depressed, because that's what everyone says when they're feeling down right?

People don't even class it as a serious mental illness anymore, we throw the word around like it isn't serious.

Doctors hand out prescriptions to kids who just need someone to talk to, not a bottle of pills that will probably make them feel more shitty than they already do.

When someone has a bad day they instantly say "I feel depressed" no you don't, you feel sad, you don't feel depressed, do you even know what the word depressed means?

Depression isn't something you can tag to you feeling sad just for a single moment in a day, depression is a constant thing.

It's the sadness that never seems to go away, not having the energy to do anything and not even caring, wanting to do nothing but sleep all day and lay in bed, you don't care that you have things to do or the world around you is still spinning, you just want to lay there and do nothing, stare at the ceiling because you feel no emotions to the things going on around you, you start ignoring people, your friends, your family, you don't want to talk, you just want to be alone and wallow in your self pity, you don't even care much about eating anymore, you lay awake at night for hours just willing yourself to go to sleep but you can't because your mind is just spinning, but the next day you're so physically tired you just lay there for as long as you possibly can, prolonging getting up and going about your every day routine.

Don't just say your depressed because you've got the sudden blues about something silly.

Say you're depressed when you actually feel like you can't go on anymore, that you'd rather just end it all than continue your life.

Because that is depressed.

I won't say that I am depressed, I don't want to be classed as depressed, even if I am, I don't want to go to the doctors and be told I have to take pills, I don't want to fill my body with those toxins, I don't want to be dependent on medication.

I don't want to be like my mum, that's the real truth.

She has other mental problems but depression is one of them, and I don't want to be my mum.

But I already am, well I've been acting like it lately.

Sleeping all day, barely leaving my bed.

It's not healthy, and I'm not okay with it.

I refuse to be diagnosed with depression.

I don't want that.
Because I know that I will get out of this funk that I am in, I know that I can be happy.

It's only of a night time that my thoughts truly get the better of me, it's only the past week that I have felt like this.

Staying awake until 4am not waking up until nearly 2pm.

It's not healthy and I hate myself for it.
But it's not something I can change, it's my body, it's my mind, it refuses to sleep, and it drives me insane, I honestly wish it was possible to switch it off.

I'd love to be able to get out of my own thoughts for a day.

It's like I can never catch a break, I would probably ask for my own thoughts back if I had to swap with someone else.

But that doesn't make me grateful for my thoughts, I wish my brain would just clock out for the evening.

But it never does, your brain is the only thing that is always on the go other than your heart.

It's always thinking, even in your sleep you're thinking of your dreams, you may not remember them but they happened, your brain never clocks off.

And it's truly frustrating sometimes.

Someone plant an off switch so I can get some sleep.