This Is My Story.

A New Book

21/11/16

This is the last entry that will ever involve you, who knew that there would even be another one, and the only reason there is right now, is because you sent me a message early hours this morning, wishing me happiness in my new relationship, so I knew straight away that you had stalked my twitter, you had seen the tweets that I posted about her, so I got curious and clicked onto your account, I had a gut feeling you had tweeted about it, I wanted to know what you were feeling, what I read, I weren't expecting it, but I'm glad you done it, I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, because I felt relief, because reading it, I felt nothing, and if I am being completely honest, I couldn't even tell you half the things me and you spoke about, couldn't even tell you the way I treated you, or how I felt about you, I know I felt strongly, but those two years, honestly it's a blur to me now, maybe I blocked it out, or maybe I just don't actually remember, I feel like I blocked it though, because it was such a toxic relationship, the only thing I really remember about it, is the depression, the way I felt after, when you told me that it didn't actually feel like we were in a relationship because it was long distance, the fact that you said "It was just me" You weren't gay or bi, it was just me, some people that could have made feel special, it didn't with me though, I put my everything into you, but you never wanted to do the same, I was the fool for sticking around, I probably stuck around longer than I should have, but it's not something I can change now, it's done. 

You were such a huge part of my life, but I lost myself trying to find you, because you were already lost, and as I was pulling you up to the surface, I was sinking down to the bottom, I let myself change in order to find you and keep you surviving, and that was the worst thing I could have ever done, but it happened and I can't change it, but I know one thing for sure, it won't happen in this relationship, because I know for a fact, that if I'm sinking and she is too, we will both be keeping each other afloat, instead of me holding her head above water, while I'm kicking underneath, losing my breath as the water fills my lungs, we'll be wrapped up in each other, keeping both of our heads above water. 

The chapter and the book of you has finally closed, the chapter had closed a long time ago, but talking with you for those short minutes this morning and reading your tweets, that closed the book, you are a book that is now stored on a shelf in my brain, that is going to sit and collect dust, a book that will never be opened again, because it's a book I will never want to read, because hearing or thinking about it, mentally it fucks me up, because of the place you put me in, because of the place I allowed myself to be put in, I'm never going back to that place, I'm staying right here, I know who I am, I know who I want to be, and the girl that I was with you, that's not it, I've found myself again after being lost for so long, and I'll be damned if I let myself get lost again. 

I think the best thing about the relationship that I am in now, is that I can't get lost, because if I get lost, I can just turn to her, because damn me and her are one in the same, it's creepy but I fucking love it, I love how alike we are, that we think the same things, we act the same way, we have the same thoughts, the same ideas, we both know what we want, we both act the same in a relationship, when we love, we love hard and I love that, I love that I know my feelings will be reciprocated ten times over, and that I will be appreciated, you said you hope that I am happy, and that she treats me better than you did. 

We have only officially been in a relationships for two weeks and she already does, it may be a horrible thing to say, but it's so fucking true, when I'm in her arms I feel safe, when she is kissing me I feel loved, when she's staring into my eyes, and I know she has gotten lost in them, because I always have to kiss her to bring her back to me, because when I speak to her, it's like she can't hear me, her head is under water and my words are drowned out, because she's too busy reading what my eyes are telling her, those moments I feel special, like I'm the only person she sees, the only person she needs to see, she tells me that my eyes talk to her, but refuses to tell me what they say, I should so be worried, because my eyes will be spilling the secrets, my mouth is not ready to say, or my heart hasn't caught up to them just yet. 

I am falling harder, so much harder, what we had can't even compare, my stomach constantly flips, the smile never leaves my face, hearing her heart beating is my favourite sound, having her chest pressed up against my back while we're sleeping is my favourite place, reaching out for her in the morning when she isn't there and pulling her back is my favourite thing to do, running the tips of my fingers down the length of her back, I swear it's in those moments I could tell her that I love her repeatedly, I'm so obsessed with her body, but even more than that, I'm obsessed with her mind, with her story, her past, everything she tells me, she is so open and shares everything with me, no matter how many questions I ask her, no matter how personal they are, she answers, and I love that, she doesn't tell me no, even if she doesn't feel comfortable talking about it, she will always tell me, even if I have to wait until later, she still remembers I asked and she tells me, we will lay in bed for hours and she will talk, and tell me everything I want to know, and I love her even more so for it, I'm falling in love with her, and it feels good. 

Thank you for doing what you done, thank you for messaging me, thank you for ending things with me, because it needed to happen, thank you for letting me find myself again, thank you for wishing me happiness, thank you for teaching me life lessons, there is probably a lot more things I could thank you for, but it would still just be the same two words, thank you. 

The chapter ended a long time ago, and this morning the book was closed. 

But I already had another one open, and I'm sitting here praying right now as I write this, that this book never closes, or if it does, it'll only be because there's too many pages and I need to start a new book. 

I loved you, but I know I love her more.