This Is My Story.

Anger.

02/02/15

Okay so i just went shopping with my parents, i wanted to get a few things so that i could bake a cake because i was just in that kind of mood, and everything was going fine, until we got to the parking lot.

My dad was taking the trolley back to the station or whatever you wish to call it so that he could get his pound back out of it, and a man came up to him and asked him for the trolley and my dad said that it has a dodgy wheel so that he should get another one, the man said he didn't care that he would just take that one, so my dad said to put a pound in it and take the trolley then mate, so he called my dad a cunt or wanker.. one of those, my dad always changes the line to a story, so my dad isntantly switched and started cussing him out, and then said he would smash his face in with a hammer, when my dad loses his temper you know it, i was watching from the van and i could see that he was pissed off but at the time i didn't know what had gone on.

My dad came running over to the van opened the door and pulled an iron bar out from behind the seats, kind of like a scaffolding pole, my mum was screaming and shouting his name to get him back into the van, because she is not a big fan of violence, but who is? especially when it's their partner that is involved, anyways, my dad was shouting at to the man that he smash him all around the place, so i've leaned over to the open door to see what was going on and the man was just walking away with his middle finger in the air.

Now my dad isn't an angry person, but when someone pisses him off, you know about it.

So he gets back into the van and starts telling us what happened and all he kept saying over and over "Fucking black cunt, he probably just wanted the pound, fucking black pussy, i hate blacks" and so on.. now i am sitting next to him getting extremely pissed off, because my girlfriend is mixed, so if he can act like that with a complete stranger then i am totally fucking screwed aren't i? because how is he going to react when the black girl from Canada who everyone seems to think is my 'Friend' introduces herself as my girlfriend?

I keep my mouth shut though, getting angry at him for calling someone a black cunt is simply pointless, especially seeing as two years ago, i had the same mind frame, just not as bad as his, yes i could be terribly racist if i wanted to, but so can anyone if the right buttons are pushed.

but on the way home i was thinking, my Dad snap really easily, so does my brother, and so do i.. so i assume that my anger comes from him, it's in my genes, maybe that can't be possible? but it's the only logical explanation i have right now.

My anger used to be really bad, when i was around 13 or 14, i mean all teenagers have a temper, but i was starting fights and arguments with people just for looking at me the wrong way, or for saying a snide comment as they walked past, or i could hear them chatting shit and laughing behind my back so i would switch and instantly see red going completely mad at the person.

Maybe i acted this way because when i was 11 and 12 i went to two different secondary schools, the first i was bullied because of my size, from someone who was 4 years older than me, that didn't bother me of course, i am short person i deal with it, but i just didn't like the school in general, it was far too big, and we all had the same break as everyone that was in sixth form and that scared me a little, and plus the people who i believed to be my friends there, turned there back on me and to leave me alone, so i guess that's what i did, and i sort of became the loner and i just didn't like it, so my mum pulled me out and we started looking for different schools.

i was out of school for maybe 3 or 4 months before i finally got into another school, now no one likes starting a school in the middle of the year, especially someone who has a phobia of it, so i have walked into the school with my dad and they are showing me around and i get to the library and i just start crying, now i don't really remember this moment, my a girl came up to me named Jodie, and she sort of befriended me and tried to get me to stop crying.

So i started that school, and i started hanging around with 2 girls, one called Zainab and Another Damilola, and i was with them for about 3 days i think, until one day at PE i didn't want to do it so i bunked from the basketball court and was sitting on the bench next to the locker rooms and Jodie bunked out of her class and came and sat next to me and we were talking, but then Damilola came up to me and she said something i can't remember what or why, but she wanted to fight me, now this girl was basically twice my size, in height and weight, so i was fucking screwed, but me being the terror that i am thought fuck it, but it never happened, the teacher came over before anything escalated and Jodie got sent back to class.

I Don't think it was long after that every break and Every lunch time, when i would go to walk into the school building there would be three boys waiting for me, they would ask me to give them head in the school toilets, i would ignore them of course and just think nothing of it.

until about 3 months later, my dad was trying to get me up for bed and i refused to go, i would not leave my bed, and my dad said if you don't give me a valid reason you need to get up and get dressed now, so i broke down crying on my bed, and ended up telling them about these three boys.

My dad of course went ballistic and told me to get dressed and we drove to the school and went to the reception, and my dad starting telling them, and straight away the receptionist and the Teacher's assistants said "Oh no not our CJ he wouldn't do something like that" so before i even had a chance to defend myself they were siding with the boy already.

But they called him down and as me and my dad were leaving he was in the hallway, so my dad had him up against the wall and was having words with him, i still to do this day don't know what was said, because i stayed around the corner not wanting to deal with it.

They suspended him for two weeks, i didn't go to school for a week or more, and then i did go and everything was fine, until i saw him across the courts playing basketball, so i bolted, Jodie was calling me but i wasn't listening, i left the school and decided then and there that i would turn my back on it.

The school tried to get me back, i wouldn't have to see him, i could go to homeroom for a few hours just to get used to be back in the school, so i agreed, my mum came with me, we went in and she left after about 20 minutes not wanting to be there with me, then a student came in and gave a message to the teacher and she went into her office, so i bolted again and walked home, my mum called me saying i should have let her know, i just didn't think at the time, the only thing on my mind was getting out of that school.

so i did, i haven't been back there since that day, and i don't ever plan on it, well i can't they changed the school's location.

But that is why i think i got so angry at everyone for no possible reason, well i guess in my head i thought that i had a reason.

Around age 15 i started to control it, keep my anger under wraps, let people say what they wanted, i started not to care about what people thought.

But recently i have start to slip, and i can't control my anger like i used to, i need to work on that again, because if i don't..

I could lose the people i care about the most.