This Is My Story.

Here I am

27/4/17

So here I am, it's been awhile, I guess because I always used this as my outlet, and I haven't needed to do that for awhile.

You're going to think now, that I thought all of this after I walked you to the bus stop, bus this all started spinning around in my head the second you started crying.

I know who I am, I know what I'm like, I know I can come off as rude and insensitive, I know that I sometimes word things wrong, and it hurts you, because in my mind it makes sense, but in yours, you pick out the words that jump out at you, the ones that hurt the most, I can't change that, it's something that will always be, and that's what I need you to see.

Because I don't mean to, the words I say, I don't mean for them to come across as cold and hurtful, I don't mean for them to sound rude and angry I guess, but it's who I am, it's how I've always been.

I guess it's heartless like you said, I've had a lot of people call me that, hell I even say it myself, but wow, hearing you say it, that was a bullet to the chest, I didn't think hearing you say it would hurt me so much, but it did, maybe you didn't notice, but I did want to cry and yet you just said it again to me, while we're here in the hallway, you thought you was heartless but you realise that I'm worse, I'm glad you finally see, I know you never believed me before, but I guess now you see it.

I don't deal with emotions well, mine or other people's, but especially other people's, even more so when I'm the one to blame, which I am in this case, so I don't know how to react, I go numb, I react in a bad way, cause it's the only way I know how.

It's funny cause my parents always wondered why I was so heartless seeing as I was brought up in a loving environment, but I mostly put it down to the fact that I'm a Virgo, I find it hard to share my feelings, so showing that loving side to you, it's not something that many people get to see, but it's the other sides I have more problems with, I don't argue with you because I can't, I can't deal with the conflict and the conversations that come with it.

My heart goes cold and I come across as a bitch because it's the only thing I know how to do, I'm sorry, it's how I've always been and I'm not entirely sure if that'll ever change, but I'll work on it.

But there's another problem, one that's been around for a while, I know you've thought it from the beginning and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to change your mind.
And this is about you thinking I don't like your family, I don't know why you got that into your head, maybe it's because I'm stand offish, but that's how I've always been, I'm like it around my own family, so it wouldn't be different around yours.

There's only 2 members I can say I dislike in your family, and one of them I wouldn't even say you class as a family member, I certainly don't, if it were up to me I'd slit his throat.
The other is your sister but I'm sure you know that, for what she done to your mum, for the way she acts, the way she treats your nephew, I don't know if it's our star signs clashing, but there's something about her that I don't like, I'm not going to lie about that, I never have done.

But as for your other 2 sisters that I've met and your brother? For you to think I don't like them, I can't seem to wrap my head around why you would have thought that?
You know I'm not great with kids, I never have been, but I love your brother, I may not want to be around him 24/7 but I do, when I'm at your mums he is the one that I spend most of my time with? So I don't know why you would think that I don't like him, I am sorry for what I said, but it was in my head and I don't hold back, maybe I could have said it in a different way, but when it comes to wording things, I always come across as cold, so I am sorry.
Your sisters? I have no problems with them, If you think I didn't like them or didn't care for them, then I wouldn't have worried about her all night when she ran away, I wouldn't have been calling her phone constantly and texting her trying to get her to answer, I wouldn't have asked my best friend to try as well as her mum and friend, I care, you may not see it or notice it, but I do care.
And the other one is just plain right crazy, I don't hate her? I just think she's damn right insane, but I love it, she's crazy, she's over hyper and she's always on the go, but I don't not like her, so please stop thinking it, I'm not sure how else I can convince you, I'm not family orientated like you are, so for me to take on your sisters and brother, it's a lot for me to handle, cause it's not something I ever put myself around, so just bare with me okay.

Now you crying? That I apologise for, I'm sorry for making you want to cry and I'm sorry for not knowing what to do when seeing you cry, I'm awkward, I always have been, I don't know how to handle it, e my own solution was to climb into your lap and hold you, because I didn't know what else to do... Then you started talking, about what I had said and I didn't know how to handle it, I shut down, because it's conflict, it's a problem, I don't know how to verbally deal with problems, I physically don't know what to do or say, so I shut down, I move away and I zone out, I don't answer, I just go deaf, I go numb, cause I don't know what to do, so I'm sorry, I'm sorry for being so cold and not reacting the way I should have done, I should have spoke, done something, said something, but I don't know how to.

I'm insensitive I know, but I won't just say things now, I will try and see the way that you're reading them or hearing them, I'll try and put myself in your position first, before letting it all just come tumbling out.

I know we may have made up before you left for work, but I still feel like there was a lot left unsaid, and I guess this is it, this is what needed to be said.
Though somewhere inside me I feel like there's more, there's more that should have been said in this, there's more that I wanted to say but I can no longer remember what it was, maybe I will and I'll come back to it, but right now this is it.

You told me you're in love with me, that you take me as I come, no matter what, if my heart is cold or warm, you're still in love with me, and you will deal with my mood swings and the way I act because of that.

But if there comes a day that you can't handle it, then I want you to tell me, if you feel you need to walk away then tell me, if you think we need a break or space, then just tell me.

Because I hurt you, I know I hurt you, I could see it on your face, you didn't have to cry for me to know that I hurt you, and I am so incredibly sorry, I may not be able to physically show you the affection that you were looking for, but I am sorry, and I hope I never make you feel that away again.

Because seeing you cry? Because of me? That's the worst feeling in the world.
And you have no idea how much I hate the words "I'm sorry" because they're overused and don't make up for the damage that is done.

But here I am.
This is me.

And if you still want me, you still want to stick around, then I hope you're ready to deal with it.
Because I do get cold hearted and depressed on my period days, it's just that this month, I believe was the worst of it.