This Is My Story.

Scared.

28/01/15

I hate my life, I hate that I left school when I was 12 because I was bullied, I hate that I don't do anything with my life, I hate that I constantly feel scared that the world is going to judge me for the person that I am.

I hate when people mostly my parents tell me I should go back to school, or do a course at college, or even do a baking class, or a writing class.

What they don't understand is that I can't, I'm too scared, Maybe to most people it's a silly thing to be scared of, but I can't help it.

Sometimes i myself find it a stupid thing to be scared of, i am not scared of teachers or even adults for that matter, i am more scared of people my own age, or who are still in school, and are younger than me, it's kind of a hard thing to explain, but i don't like being out of my house between 3 and 4pm because i know that's the time that school kids will be leaving, and they genuinely scare me, i couldn't go back to college, because i would be surrounded by those people, it's a phobia of mine, and people would say it doesn't exist, but in my head it does, school is my phobia and so are the students.

Walking or even driving past a school gives me the creeps, and when Friends or Family talk about me going to college it stresses me out and i get anxious and nervous and eventually i end up getting angry and mad and storming out away from the situation.

Even writing and talking about this right now is causing me so much anxiety, when i am anxious i make it a habit of punching my leg over and over, cause my hands shake and i can't really control it, until i realise what i am doing, and that it is a form of self harm, i never really thought about that until today, i am trying to stop myself from doing it now, and writing this out is helping in a way, but i still feel the need to do it.

i should stop writing about this, but i've started it now, it's in my head, if i stop and leave it for another day then i am going to get this feeling again, this is a touchy subject for me, it's not something i can't talk about, whenever someone tries to bring it up. even my girlfriend, i shut them down, because i can't handle it, it makes me too anxious and emotional.

I don't even know why i am writing this, it isn't what i intended it to be, i wanted to write a book about me and my girlfriend, for her.. but then my mind starts racing and wandering with all these thoughts, and i get carried away and it just turns into this big mess of words and i can't stop myself, once my fingers hit the keys and i am in this zone it's like i can't control it, half the time i don't even know what i am writing until i go back and read it over.

Who am i even writing this for? Myself? For you? who even are you? i probably won't even publish any of this, i guess i am just using it as a diary, an outlet? because my mind is always buzzing twenty four seven, so maybe this is what i needed? to just be able to write, not to anyone in paticular, but because i need to.

Unfinished Due To The Anxiety.