always ↬ leading me on || l.dh • h.rj • z.cl

·thirty three·

(trigger warning: this chapter contains and implies past verbal and physical abuse.)

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"So, to summarise, we're going for a fresh and bright concept that represents hope for the future, right?" Donghyuck said, elbows propped up on the table and head resting on his interlocked fingers.

"Essentially," Jaemin answered, "it'll be fun to shoot as well, since we can just mess about and shit and have it pass as a display of free spirit."

"'Mess about' my ass, we're gonna take this shit seriously, it's an assignment," Renjun butted in.

Everyone laughed at Jaemin's sullen expression while Chenle groaned at his friend's words, wishing that the elder could just let loose and enjoy himself for once. He'd been like this ever since they were little, always so strict and hard on himself when it came to academic matters.

Chenle really couldn't blame him though, it was the way he was brought up. He was constantly pushed towards education because his mother and father believed that being successful with his school career would make him rich in the future.

Renjun's parents weren't exactly the nicest people in the world, they were stern and cold and they only ever cared about money and popularity — which was one of the reasons why they liked Chenle so much.

Chenle to them, was everything they could have ever wanted in a son, he was handsome, rich and academically gifted, a social influencer who played a big role in political issues and a recognisable figure within the government.

Chenle had everything, and they wanted everything.

Yet, Chenle still couldn't understand why they treated his best friend so poorly, Chenle thought that Renjun was beautiful and talented and extremely clever as well. Chenle didn't understand why they always pushed the elder away and sought for him instead.

Chenle didn't like it.

"Mother!" seven year old Renjun called out excitedly, "I got full marks on my spelling test today-"

"Obviously, only because Chenle helped you revise for it," his mother cut in coldly, not sparing the young boy a second glance, "why don't you make yourself useful and invite him for a sleepover? We never got to thank him properly for wasting his precious time on a failure like you."

Chenle overheard the whole exchange, having come over to Renjun's house to ask him to play with him and stopping to stand by the open kitchen window when he heard the elder's happy voice.

"But-"

"Go."

"I-I'm sorr-"

"Don't make me repeat myself Renjun," the black haired woman turned around to glare at him and Chenle watched as his best friend looked down with a sniffle and quickly made his way out of the kitchen.

Chenle remembered that day clearly, the way Renjun had spotted him outside and immediately dried his tears, acting as if nothing had happened. He remembered the way Renjun smiled and told him it was okay when he'd asked about it in the night. He remembered the way he cried when he thought Chenle was asleep, how his arms wrapped tightly around his waist and how he buried his head into the younger's back and wept like it was his last night alive.

Chenle remembered, but he didn't want to.

"Gege?"

"Yes, Chenle?"

"Why," he started, pointing towards the bruises that littered his best friends pale skin, "are those there?"

Renjun's gaze flitted down to the purple marks that were forming on his arms and legs and smiled sadly before returning his gaze back to the english homework Chenle was helping him with.

"It's because I'm not good enough Lele. I have to become good enough, for them to disappear."

Recalling his gege's words from so long ago hurt him. It hurt him knowing that Renjun had ever felt like he ever had to prove himself, that he didn't think he was good enough to begin with. It hurt knowing that his shitty excuse of parents had drilled it into his head that he wasn't worthy of being loved and happy.

It hurt him so much because he knew that Renjun never let go of that mindset.

No matter how many years had passed and how much they had changed as people, Renjun still never realised just how valuable and precious he was.

The blonde glanced over to where the ravenette was sat, scrawling things down rapidly on a piece of paper while the others talked, thinking back to their conversation just a few weeks ago.

"Chenle," Renjun whispered once they had retired to bed after their study session, "be honest with me, you only asked me to tutor you because you wanted to make sure that I knew all the answers, right?"

"No," Chenle nearly stuttered, catching himself from slipping up and managing to pout, "I just wanted my kisses."

"Please don't lie to me, I already know. You're the nation's prodigy, you didn't need any help. You wanted to make sure that I don't fail because I'm a failu-"

"Don't." Chenle said firmly, hands cupping the sides of Renjun's face, "don't you dare finish that sentence."

Apart from Chenle himself, there was only one other person that Renjun opened up to about his insecurities and that was his elder brother, Sicheng.

Sicheng was the type of person everyone adored and wanted to be close to, but he was untouchable. Even when he was doted upon by anyone who crossed paths with him, Sicheng really only ever cared about a few people, Renjun and Chenle were two of them.

His parents respected him, since he was a successful businessman, meaning that he never got to see his younger brother or his younger brother's best friend that much anymore. He had made it clear to them though, that he was still always just a phone call away and never failed to ring Renjun at least once every week to make sure that he was doing okay.

"Do you think Chenle really loves me gege? I feel like he only said it out of pity-"

Chenle, from where he stood at the top of the stairs could hear Sicheng's muffled reply that came from over the phone, something along the lines of, 'of course he loves you, you dumbass', but he couldn't bring himself to laugh or smile.

Did Renjun really think that he didn't love him?

His eyes were trained on his best friend, who sat biting the end of his pen as he tried to think of more ideas for their project.

He never realised he was crying until he turned the older's face towards him and smashed their lips together - he never realised until he tasted the salt of his own tears tinging the tip of his tongue.

The other boys had stopped to stare at them in shock, but Chenle didn't care, Chenle just wanted Renjun to know how much he meant to him.

And when the ravenette broke away from him in concern, eyes widening at the blonde's tear-streaked face, all he could manage to muster up was a small, "I want to go h-home gege."