always ↬ leading me on || l.dh • h.rj • z.cl

·forty·

It was skin against skin in the pouring rain.

It was the sting of fresh tears pooling at the back of closed eyes.

And the feeling of fingers pressing into hair.

It was everything that he wanted, everything that made him feel alive, yet nothing at all.

It was nothing to Renjun as he pushed him up against the dingy alleyway wall, gripping at his nape hard enough to leave bruises as he kissed and kissed and mercilessly stole Donghyuck's breath away.

He was nothing to Renjun — the images of seeing him together with Chenle flashing around in his mind as his sobs were swallowed by the elder's mouth on his.

He knew that he could never compare to the other — that Renjun would never see him the way he saw Chenle, yet, it still hurt him. It hurt him to know that he was only a means to pass time for the boy he dared to say he loved. The first he'd ever let in after years of perfectly crafting an untouchable facáde.

And he knew that what Jaemin and Jeno had said was right, he knew, yet he couldn't bring himself to put an end to whatever he had with the boy in front of him. Even though every second that he wasted with him was like a jab to his ever-bruising heart and every minute that they spent with one another was killing him, all he wanted to do was crawl towards him and beg.

Beg for his feelings to be returned, even if only a little, beg as to not be left in the dirt of his own emotions, in the poison that they had started to become.

He just wanted Renjun to look his way, once was enough. For the slightest second, he wanted him to see Donghyuck instead of Chenle.

He wished and he waited.

He waited.

He waited, longer than he'd ever waited for anything else. He was patient, only for Renjun, anticipating the day where the other boy would caress his cheek with a fond smile and tell him that he loved him too — that he had always loved him and only him.

But Donghyuck knew that wasn't true.

There was no point in time where they had gone wrong because they had never been given the opportunity to go right in the first place. There was never a beginning or ending that had their initials wrapped up and intertwined with one another, they had no story — countless blank pages in a book that was too large to be bound.

From their first meeting in the art room to their second and from their second to their third, there was nothing. No spark, no butterflies, no hazy mind; there wasn't anything between them to bring on the feelings that had been given life inside of Donghyuck's heart.

He didn't know why he was just loving so blindly and right now, with Renjun's fingers dancing at his skin and the feeling of his fluttering lashes against his cheeks, he didn't think he needed to.

He didn't need an explanation if he could just have the ravenette like this forever. Between his arms and in the very corners of his being, entwined with him like climbing roses, pretty enough to distract one from the millions of thorns that they were littered in.

Donghyuck pulled him closer by the smallest fraction, let himself be cut by the sharp spikes that surrounded him endlessly, he did it willingly — sober and ever capable to push him away. Though, he would be a fool to, so he didn't; intoxicated by the smell that was so distinctly Renjun, it made his head spin.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind as they pulled apart for air, Donghyuck couldn't stop replaying Chenle's words to him.

Or all the events that led up to where they were now.

The time they spent together working on all the different aspects of their project, the sleepover they all had at Chenle's, the day where they got their grades back with full marks and had their music video bought by an advertisment company to use for marketing.

When Chenle had kissed him at the back of the school just to spite Renjun.

When he had walked in on Jeno and Mark fighting over their respective family businesses.

And how he watched as Jisung holed himself up and tried to get away from them all - how Jaemin endlessly attempted to get him to open up again and broke down in the process.

Everything was crumbling.

And he had the power to stop it all.

He had the power to bring them back from the ruins they were becoming.

But that was the scariest thing about it.

That he could, but, he didn't want to.

Because when everyone was split the way they were, he could have Renjun like this, he could taste, even if it wasn't real, what it would have been like to be his lover.

He knew how selfish he was being. He was far more than aware and the tears never ceased to fall even as they sneaked into the part of his lips and danced at the tip of his tongue.

And it was just a distant memory now, but he could still remember the promises he made to his childhood friends; they were ringing around in his head like an old ghost that was seeking revenge.

They promised to never abandon each other.

And as Renjun pulled away from him and let his body slump against the wall, as he watched the older walk away and as he felt his heart bubble up with a feeling of joy.

As he realised that he never wanted to let go of that emotion for as long as he lived.

He in turn realised that he'd broken that promise long, long ago.

He should have felt sorry, yet instead, he let his mind chase after the fleeting shadow of a boy he knew he had dived in too deep for.

The best part?

He didn't know how to swim.