always ↬ leading me on || l.dh • h.rj • z.cl

·thirty six·

"Jen?" Jaemin suddenly asked, shooting off of the ground from his lying position to stare into the elder's chocolatey-brown eyes.

"Yeah?"

"You know I don't love Renjun, right?"

Jeno blinked in surprise, lips pressed together tightly as he processed the words that Jaemin had just spoken. He didn't know, actually — he'd thought that the younger really did harbour feelings for the Chinese student and hearing otherwise threw him off track a little. Although, he couldn't help the weak feeling of relief that washed over him at the new information.

"You don't?" he had managed to squeak out before Jaemin could repeat his question.

"No, I don't," the brunet replied, rather quickly, as if trying to reassure Jeno in a way — not that he thought he needed any reassurance in the first place.

"Oh."

"You- you never realised?" Jaemin stuttered, droopy eyes widening slightly as he shifted closer to his friend, "Jeno, I've only ever loved one person in my life and that's-"

A pause. A drop in volume. No sound.

"-that's? Who is it Nana? Jisung? Mark?" Jeno's heart was dropping ever so slowly in his chest, breaking into small pieces and fluttering down to his stomach as he watched the younger gulp and let his eyes trace the movement of his Adam's apple.

"No!" Jaemin yelped, seemingly shocked that Jeno could ever think that he saw the two as anything more than friends, "the person who-" he let out a sigh, sniffled, and tried to blink away the sting from the back of his eyes, "-the person who I love, who I want to live the rest of my life beside, who undeniably holds my whole heart in his hands, he's- he's an idiot."

"Wh-"

"He's an idiot, the person who I'm talking to right now — and I hate him for being such a dumb, oblivious piece of shit, but he's my everything and he also means the whole world to me," Jaemin lifted his head slightly, only enough so the sheen of water that had settled across his cinnamon orbs glinted in the light.

There was a beat of silence, smouldering emotions crashing to and forth in the suddenly distant spaces between them. Jaemin's voice was quiet when he spoke again, "and, even though he's always seemed unreachable - ever since the day he found me, I've wanted to tell him how thankful I am. Even though I know this will ruin everything we've become, if I have to leave now-" Jaemin wiped away his tears quickly, breathing shallowly as to stop the sound of his sobs from escaping into the air, "I-I want to leave telling him that he gave me so much more than h-he knew. He saved me in so many different ways and I'm sorry, but- but it's you, Jeno. I love you."

"Jaemin!" Jeno screamed out as the younger boy scrambled to get up, rushing to grab onto his wrist and prevent him from leaving before pressing up against his back and wrapping his arms around his waist. The brunet didn't move, stood frozen in his place as his tears continued to fall, collecting at his chin and sliding down his throat in a cycle he couldn't seem to stop.

He didn't notice the way Jeno had buried his head into his neck and let out the breath that he'd been holding the whole time or the serene calmness that swirled about in his eyes. Jaemin didn't know about the way Jeno's heart was beating in his chest — about the way it was trying to jump out and run to him. Jaemin didn't know that Jeno loved him too.

That Jeno loved him back.

"P-Please just let me g-go Jen, I already kn-"

"You don't," Jeno's voice was sharp, yet blunt at the same time, like a knife that was crafted to cut and never used. Jaemin sucked in a breath and held it, desperately trying to get a grip of himself even though he'd already broken down, "you don't know Jaem," his voice was softening, "you're not me so you don't know how much you mean to me. At least let me tell you before you decide to run away."

‣‣

When Jaemin had finally calmed down enough to hold a proper conversation with Jeno without panicking, it was lunch time. The duo had decided to skip so that they could talk to one another and get their messages across as quickly as possible.

They sat side-by-side in the dying breeze, with their hands joined in a grip that didn't seem like it'd ever loosen and as Jaemin looked down at their intertwined fingers, he couldn't help but think about their past and feel a little hopeful.

Jeno and Jaemin were only young when they had met for the first time. Jaemin and his family were new to the area, having moved in from a different place. The boy had gotten lost and Jeno had spotted him in the park all alone, approached him and by the end of the day, was taking him home with the promise to help him find his parents.

It was two weeks later, when Jeno's father was watching the late night news, that Jaemin's life was tipped upside down - moving pictures on the screen that looked exactly like his parents, outside the house they had recently bought in a puddle of their own blood.

He'd broken down into a weeping mess and no one could console him over the death of the two people who'd meant more than the world to him.

But Jeno still stayed.

Jeno stayed even as Jaemin changed, even as his sparkling doe eyes lost their light and his hair started to lose its pretty auburn colour over time.

Jeno didn't leave him.

Jeno promised.

And so, they made a pact to always be there for each other, to fill in the gaps that life had created and be a home for one another. When they'd met Donghyuck, they'd sworn the same thing. It was a word they'd never gone back on.

Jaemin just wished that Jeno still remembered.

"Jaemin?"

"Y-Yeah?"

"I know you won't believe me, but..." Jeno paused, uncharacteristically timid, "...I love you too."

"What? Jen-"

"No, shut up," Jeno chided as he saw the tenseness drain from Jaemin's shoulders, "we're both shit with words anyway and I don't want to hear your protests. Just let me kiss you quickly!"

Needless to say, when they kissed with resonating laughs and joyful smiles, they kissed with the intensity of both spring and winter gracing the world at once.