apocalypse, the answer

14.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIVING

oh, what a joy it is to never know what someone else feels about you. though yesterday he was vibrant and lively, today he sat in the kitchen drinking a fresh bottle of dry gin he found in the basement. he didn't eat very often and this concerned me. he would just...drink.

so being around him kind of conditioned me to do the same thing. "can i have a little?" i asked, breaking the silence. i sat down two wine glasses.

"we're drinking hard liquor out of wine glasses?" he chuckled. i shrugged and pushed the glasses towards him. "you're so innocent," he laughed as he poured.

i glared at him and chugged the glass, slamming it down on the counter. "not. innocent," i muttered with a grimace. the drink was terrible but it made me feel wonderful. it made me feel like how he saw me. only because he was always looking at me through the lens of alcohol he drowned himself in. i wanted to study this feeling like a good scientist should.

he sighed, "still very innocent," he said. i gestured for him to pour me another glass.

"we'll see about that," i laughed. his smile went away when i finished the next glass. i didn't get why, isn't this what he wanted? he wanted me to be drunk like him? to forget the world and ignore the...answer.

it was my turn to feel a bit sad.

i slid down the counter onto the kitchen floor. i felt...contaminated. ugh. i remembered why were here. i remembered the answer. i remembered the fact that the world was ending and could crumble at any minute. unpredictable weather, extreme heat and cold. anything could happen...and i wasn't finding the answer.

"see you're so innocent," he said seriously, setting the bottle down.

i looked over at him, pulling my knees to my chest. i was in my grandpas sweater and khakis. i wanted to feel like somebody important. i wanted to feel like a real scientist...because he was.

"you feel bad don't you?" he said in an almost taunting way. i narrowed my eyes at him. he stood up, standing right over me with the bottle. "it doesn't feel good to be a piece of shit like me she." the way he said my name made me feel like i was a stranger.

i didn't say anything. i just stared up at me. "what? you're some big scary villain in the real world?" i asked seriously, i felt irritated with him.

he got even closer, his knees near my elbows, his dark brown eyes almost looked black. he wasn't feeling good. i could see it. he wasn't there today. maybe he wasn't drunk enough. or maybe he had too much. i can't ever keep track with him.

"yeah," he said nodding his head. he laughed a little but i knew it wasn't the funny kind. it was bitter. "in the real world, i would ruin a girl like you. pissy drunk, annoying, emotonal and attached and obsessive-"

i stood up quickly, pushing him away from me, "fuck you!"

he laughed, but he was laughing at me hysterically, "no. no," he said getting close to me again, "fuck. you." he said coldly, staring me right in my eyes.

tears fell and i couldn't even understand why i was crying. what was this? why did he snap all of a sudden out of nowhere?

i sniffled, "you owe me flowers," i said before storming away. he broke something. not a promise, not a wish. not anything we had saved together to set free someday. he was broken himself.