apocalypse, the answer

16.

IN HER RED DRESS

my mind wandered and i couldn't help but think about mila. maybe mila was his sister or dead relative. but it was over his chest so obviously it was deep. it meant something.

i was wrapped in lots of blankets. it got so cold i covered the windows.

i had the last of his dry gin. i was drunk and trying on dresses in my grandmas closet. she was quite stylish. she used to model.

everything looked like typical grandma clothes until i started opening boxes on her top shelf. they were filled with slip dresses and gowns. I found a silk red dress it was long and touched the floor, but it was tight fitting. it was very pretty.

i cried when i looked at myself in the mirror. i felt pretty for the first time in like a month or so say, maybe six. the guy from before mad me feel so ugly.

when eli said i was something i believed him, because i trusted him  with my life. how couldn't i? i almost died and he took care of me.

i was drunk. i thought i was hearing things downstairs after a while of being alone for so long.

i was actually too afraid to go down and check. so i locked myself inside of my grandmas closet and held onto the key. i stuffed clothes underneath the door to keep warm and put on layers on top of layers.

i knew there probably wasn't anyone there, but i didn't realize how much i hated being alone until he left. and i was left to think of everything bad.

I turned the light out in the closet and cuddled up with a bottle of dry gin and my grandmothers pillows.

this was the side of ptsd i couldn't quite explain. sometimes nothing at all can be extremely overwhelming. and silent moments meant loud and angry memories arising.

i held onto my grandmothers clothes and closed my eyes.

if i died here i would be okay.

nobody can get me here.

"now i see why they left you. you're evil, you're a mean evil person," he said. he seemed so sure of what he was saying. i was inside my chevy again, passenger side, he was driving my car. he yelled at me for not being good enough and tried to convince me that him hurting me was my fault and i had deserved it.

i looked down at my hands, they were black and soaking wet. i had cried off all of my makeup again.

i was in a pretty red dress. it was Christmas Eve.

"i'm sorry," i cried out to him. he was a bad guy. "i'm sorry i did this. i should just go away," i mumbled.

"you always victimize yourself, stop crying. are you done crying already?" he taunted me with his words, and i jumped at the raise of his voice. i sunk my nails into the skin on my thigh. i couldn't feel anything.

"i'm sorry."

"i'm sorry," i cried out over and over and over until I couldn't even breathe anymore. i had snot and spit all over my face. i was laying in a pool of my own tears again. silly me.