apocalypse, the answer

27.

IMPENDING DOOM

i awoke when the sun was setting. i saw elias lighting candles in the room. he had boarded up the windows downstairs. he didn't let me go down there without him now. our safe place was no longer safe, but neither was i. i loved him, but i was traumatized all over again.

my body felt sick somehow. i had night sweats. i kept waking him with my episodes. i remembered everything. i wasn't blacking out or blanking, i was reliving everything and not pushing the thoughts away. it was real.

it felt like for the first time in twenty three years that my mind was taking revenge on me. i wasn't able to protect myself from the thoughts anymore. what happened to me actually happened and it is real.

reality is hard for many people. reality is life or death for me sometimes.

i loved elias and my family so i had life.

i hated myself and the things i allowed myself to go through, so i had died a terrible death.

it's all figurative i guess. it almost wasn't.

i woke up gasping for air. my nose was stuffy, my head was hot. i was sweaty and my clothes clung to my skin.

i woke up and elias was sleeping on the floor next to the bed. he had a bowl of water next to him and a rag. he was still holding the rag.

i didn't want to wake him, but i didn't understand why he fell asleep on the floor. was he afraid of me or something?

my mind started to run again. i slowly stood up to change my clothes. i then understood why he had a rag. my feet were covered in cuts. i hardly remembered the glass i stepped in.

it made me feel so stupid when i couldn't remember things that happened to my own body. it was like i was only able to unlock certain parts at certain times.

i didn't look pretty. when i looked in the mirror, that was my first thought. my hair was sticking to my face. i used a towel to wipe the sweat. i didn't have any clothes to change in, i just wrapped myself in the yellow towel and went back into the room.

elias didn't always snore. he only did when he was super tired. he snored today. i let him snore. the sound comforted me that he was still breathing. i never thought of snoring in that way before. only now because the world was ending.

in some weird way, i wasn't too afraid of this. some days i even forgot that it was. only because the world is always ending for me. it would be just my luck to find the love of my life when there isn't much life left.

i opened the closet door. i found a long sleeve button up that my grandpa used to wear. it was baby blue. he always wore that color. i was too hot for pants. plus, i couldn't find any. i pulled my hair into a bun. i was feeling so out of it. i just couldn't seem to feel normal. i felt like everything was fuzzy. and i felt really hungry.

i looked at elias.

i didn't want to wake him.

i stepped over his body and slowly opened the door. it creaked a little. when it did elias jolted awake, grabbing my ankle without even looking at me. "fuck," he let go once he saw it was me. "don't scare me like that," he sighed rubbing his head tiredly.