Just the way you are- Leah Williamson

She won

I wish I could go back.
I should never have let her go.
It wasn't even my fault that she kissed Lia but it feels like it was mine.
I wish I could fall asleep next to her again, smell her scent again. Just be with her one more time.
But I can not.
And I'll never be able to undo it.
And I know that.
It's been 2 months since then and I'm not the same anymore.
She won, I give up.
Watching them laugh every day and knowing that someone else is the reason is hell.
Seeing her with Lia and not knowing what they are is more than hell.
We hardly talk.
It's now public, so there was no statement from me and Leah, but there were a lot of rumors that we were separated and it's true.
Me and Jana are currently dating.
At least she's dating me.
For me we are good friends with certain advantages but in no way what Leah and I were.
We are currently in winter training camp.
The first time me and Leah aren't in the same room......
Kind of painful.
She's with Lia, wow it's going great.
And me with Katie.
I haven't been sleeping very well since she left and I have extreme panic in crowds.
It started off harmlessly, my heart was racing in front of a lot of fans, but I think everyone has that.
Now, however, it's so bad that I vomit before every training session because I can't see people.
I got so bad anxiety I don't even know why.
At night I often have nightmares and panic attacks like never before in my life.
Everything affects me in my normal life.
I want to leave. I want to disappear.
Very far away and erase my identity.
But I can't do that...unfortunately.
Beth: "Hey mate"
she said and bumped into me.
As we walked down the stairs into the common room.
Elena: "Hey"
I said and smiled at her.
Beth: "You don't look good"
Elena: "You tell me that every day"
Beth: "Because you don't look good every day"
Elena:,,thanks"
We went for breakfast and sat at our table as usual.
Me, Jana, Beth, Katie, Viv, Jana, Leah and now Lia too.
I don't eat anything in the morning otherwise I'll vomit even more.
Beth: "How are you?"
she said and suddenly everyone looked at me.
Anxiety.....Anxiety......Anxiety
Elena: "M-Me?"
Beth: "who else"
Elena: "Good"
Viv: "You look like you haven't slept"
Elena: "You tell me that every day...my answer remains the same"
There was silence.
Beth looked me deeply in my eyes.
Beth: "You have yellow eyes"
Elena: "Oh, I know these are my liver values..."
Beth: "Are you smoking?"
Elena: "No"
Viv: "You get something like that if you're addicted to alcohol or have a lot of stress"
Katie: "Or both"
she said smiling.
Elena: "I'm sober"
Katie: "You always say that"
Elena: "Well then just believe me"
Katie: "But I know the truth Elena"
Jana: "yeah, you're definitely not sober"
Elena: "Even if I do, as long as I do my best on the field, it doesn't have to be any of your business."
Lia: "Well, you just don't perform well"
Elena: "Then kick me out"
I said and stood up.
I opened my jacket to get some air.
Panic attacks are now a normal part of my everyday life.
My vision is blurry but someone came in.
I held on to the sink.
Leah: "Hey Hey Hey what's going on"
Elena: "Nothing......I'm fine"
Leah: "How long have you been having panic attacks again?"
.....
Leah: "Okay, breathe in and out deeply"
Elena: "Leah please go"
Leah: "No, I won't go"

Leah's POV
I know she feels bad.
Okay...extremely bad.
and I still love her more than anything in the world.
And I miss her by my side every day and every night.
You might think it's normal after a breakup but my heart really hurts when I think about her.
I miss her so so much.
But it's unfair to just come into her life and leave whenever I want, she doesn't deserve that.
She always does the same thing before a panic attacks .
I know her.
Pretty good.
She always opens her jacket and usually goes somewhere alone so no one can see it.
I think she thinks she has to go through this alone. but that's not true.
Leah: "Okay, listen to my voice. Breathe in and out deeply."
After 10 minutes she is back to her normal breathing rhythm.
Leah: "You're not sober are you?"
Elena: "Leah, I'm serious, go"
Leah: "Not until you answer my question"
Elena: "I don't know"
Leah: "You promised me you would get sober"
Elena: "Okay Leah, you win. You're doing well with Lia and that's great but I can't live without you."
Leah: "Lia? why Lia? What are you talking about?"
Suddenly the door opened.
Jana came in.
Jana: "Elena, you should come to Jonas's office"
.....
Elena: "yeah, I'll come right away"
She waited at the door.
Elena: "Seriously?"
Jana: "He said now"
Elena: "Tell him I'm taking a shower or something"
Jana: "Elena.....come"
It was clear that she wanted to talk to me further.
Elena: "Thank you"
She whispered so I could hear and left.

Elena's POV
I went to Jonas' office and knocked.
Jonas: "Come in"
I went in
Elena: "Hey"
Jonas: "Hey, sit down"
I sat down.
Jonas: "Okay, look. He showed me a sheet. Do you remember when we did a medical checkup two weeks ago?"
Elena: "Yeah I do"
Jonas: "You have the best values"
Elena: "That's great, why do you want to talk?"
Jonas: "In the endurance range...Your liver values ​​are dangerous."
He said laughing.
Jonas:,,I did some research and saw that your parents both suffered from alcohol addiction."
Elena: "That's true"
Jonas: "I put two and two together and my answer was. You have one too"
I looked at the table and took a deep breath.
Elena: "true"
Jonas: "Elena, you are the most important player on the team. You are the core but if this doesn't stop...you have to go."
Elena: "Arsenal is my home...I'm here all my life"
Jonas: "We know that. And I like you. Which is why I offer you therapy. Not just for addiction. I talked to Leah...don't be mad at me, but she knows you better than anyone else here. The therapy is also to support your mental health."
Elena: "That's hard Damn..."
Jonas: "your therapy starts tomorrow,you have tomorrow off. Be yourself. You don't always have to be strong when you're breaking inside."
Elena: "Thank you Jonas...for everything"
Jonas: "You're free today...go to sleep, you look a little...tired. This is your last chance. Alcohol is not a solution, leave it"
I smiled and left.