Emma Claire Sommers came into the world at 9:15 p.m., and I left at 9:20. Then I left it again at 9:22. They had to revive me twice. My blood pressure dropped while I was under along with multiple other complications, including blood loss. The doctors and nurses had a lot of trouble stabilizing me. The first time my heart stopped, they had to wheel Jacob out of the room. He was hysterical, and they needed more room for more staff.
When I finally woke up a day later, I was alone. I glanced around, noticing that the sun was beginning to set. My hand grasped the call button, weakly, and I pressed it. Soon after, the nurse who answered my light grabbed the doctor. I was crushed to find out that Emma needed a ventilator to breathe since her lungs weren't fully developed. He told me that other than that, though she was doing great for a baby her size. She was 1 lb and 9 oz. I nearly had a heart attack when she told me how small she was. Then. I saw her through the window the next morning, and the oddest sense of needing to protect her for the rest of my life and fear washed over me. That was the moment that I vowed to spend the rest of my life focusing on her, no matter what else happened to me. She would always be the one thing my world centered around.
A little over two months later, and here I am, painting my baby girl's nursery a soft pink color in my new apartment, alone. I know that I could text Lindsey, or Sage to come help me, but I feel like this is something that I want to do myself. It's something that I want to do for my daughter by myself.
Since Emma's birth, I feel like my whole world has shifted. When I gained consciousness after the c-section, I woke up in more ways than one. Conversations with Stefan, Lindsey, Sage, Jacob, and everyone seemed like they were held by some other girl besides me. I worried about Jacob and Stefan. I worried about small, silly things. I worried about my love life and my future. After I gave birth though my whole world became about the little girl who would be leaving the hospital for the first time in two days.
The thought of Stefan still makes my heart sink though. The night I woke up, I talked to him. He was so worried. I still can't believe that I told him what I did.
*FLASHBACK*
"Mya, I'm so happy you're awake," Stefan laughs, rushing into the room. He quickly sits beside me. "Are you okay? How do you feel?"
I glance down, drowsily. "Drained. Depressed. I want to see my baby, but she's in the NICU, and I'm on the best rest until I'm stable." I mumble.
His forehead creases. "Well, can I get you anything? Do I need to ask the doctor anything?"
I slowly shake my head. "No, I'm fine. Thank you."
There is a long pause, and then I hear Stefan's voice again, It is quieter this time. "What's on your mind?"
"Emma," I reply, quickly. "Just to breathe, she needs the help of a machine."
"I know," Stefan sighs. "Jacob told us all. She will be okay though. It will all be okay."
"Will it?" I question, quietly. "Because nothing else has been okay in a long time, Stefan, and if I lose Emma, I won't be able to take it anymore."
"I-I know, mya," Stefan replies, struggling to reply. He seems to be at a loss for words.
"I can't take it anymore, Stefan. No more fighting. No more loss. No more crying over small things. Sfetan," I say, whispering his name as our eyes meet. I can tell by his expression that he knows what I am about to say. "I can't handle a relationship right now, I have a very sick baby, and all of my attention is going to need to be on her. I'm sorry."
