kit connor X male reader

cant do this anymore

Tw: mentions of suicide, bullying, sh, attempted suicide

Over the past week or two, I've been feeling like I've had to put a smile on my face.

Even for kit.

I feel sad, empty, and numb. Even the slightest thing I do like showering, eating, drinking, and getting out of bed has taken so much energy out of me more than usual.

It feels like an effort to be around my friends or people I love.

Even kit.

I don't have like any motivation to do anything.

Kits obviously noticed something is up because I've been really quiet. Quieter then usual. He hasn't talked to me about it properly because he doesn't want there to be another argument like a few weeks ago

Kit asks if I'm okay, and my usual answer is 'I'm fine', and he doesn't push it even though we both know I'm not fine

I'm sitting on the sofa just rewatching sherlock again for like the 30th time while checking my phone every so often as everyone is spamming my phone with DMs asking if I'm okay.

Kit walks in with his phone in his left hand while looking at me

"I'm going to go out with joe. Do you wanna come?" He asks

"Alright," I smile, which is obviously fake

I turn off the TV and stand up, and we put our dries on, I've been getting better with loud noises, so I don't need my ear defenders that much

I grab my airpods and connect them to my phone while kit looks over at me

"Ready?" He asks softly

I nod, and we leave the house and make our way to where we said we'd meet up with joe.

Recently, I've lost a few of my friends on Snapchat all for stupid reasons. One reason for losing one of my friends, Mia, is because she's been saying really transphobic things, and I blocked her

And the funny thing is as well she's also homophobic and racist so I don't know how I didn't see any of that when I first became friends with her

The second reason is because I blocked Mia and her so-called girlfriend, nanna, got into a huge argument with me about it, and yeah, she blocked me

And then I got kicked out of like three different group chats, and in the other group chat we were in together, they kept spamming me and telling me to go kill myself, and I don't deserve to live

They both have a huge crush on kit, and they used to post photos of him on the group chat calling him 'daddy' and shit like that, which obviously pissed me off.

They've also asked 'how big is he' and I'm like how the fuck is that any of their business like he's not the one trying to get into your pants so you don't need to know

And alongside the huge crush on kit, they have they said that I don't deserve him and I treat him like shit and he doesn't love me and he's only going out with me to see what it's like to date someone who's trans and crap like that

Honestly, I think im starting to believe them..

When we get to where we're meeting up, joe walks over to us and gives us both a hug

"It's been so long since I saw you two!" Joe smiles

"It's been like two weeks. We haven't seen each other for longer. " Kit laughs

"Anyway, so how are you two doing?" he asks

"Tired as fuck like honestly I just don't know how I am surviving" Kit chuckles

"Go. To. Bed. Earlier." Joe says, clapping his hands together in between each word

"I can't be assed," Kit sighs

"Then don't complain that you're tired, then werido."

They both laugh

I dont

All three of us walk around London while talking for a bit, talking about how we've been. I obviously lie. Kit knows I'm lying. I'm surprised joe hasn't noticed

After about like three hours, kit notices that I'm getting stressed as I'm as doing my knuckle cracking stims, and i have gotten awfully quiet

We say bye to joe, and we part our ways, and we walk home in an uncomfortable silence

When we get home, I instantly kick off my shoes and go upstairs, leaving kit downstairs on his own. He's probably going to start making dinner soon

Im sitting in our room against the door so Kit wouldn't be able to come in. I'm  scrolling through my phone going through all of me and nanna's and mia's texts

I don't know what I did wrong..

We were so happy before role-playing as heartstopper characters on group chats, laughing when I forgot to spell, on a call all together having fun

Now it's all gone..

It's just.. all gone and not coming back

I did try to reason with nanna, but all she said is, 'You can't use having autism as an excuse' with first off. I dont. Second off. I literally have the brain of a peanut

I get to the group chats and smile to myself while silent tears roll down my face as I read all our happy moments and memories

Then I got to the bit when they told me to kill myself. I kept reading it over and over again

More tear flood out my eyes as I start to believe them. All I do is ruin things. All I do is I ruin peoples lives and make them a living hell.

I look around our room frantically when I find a piece of paper and a pen, and I start writing quickly, I read it over and over again before folding it up and wiping my eyes and going downstairs

Kits in the living room scrolling through his phone, I walk slowly over to him, fiddling with the folded piece of paper in my hands

"You okay?" Kit asks, not looking up from his phone

He's wearing his glasses, I think he looks really pretty with his glasses on

"Mhm," I mumble

I put the note onto the coffee table and then went back upstairs and into the bathroom

I lock the door and start sobbing. I can't do this, I can't do this. I keep repeating in my head

I frantically look around for kits razor. Don't ask why it's always kits. I just don't need one as I don't grow much facial hair. I found it.

I sit on the floor looking at the blade before gliding it across my wrists 10 times on each wrist, going deeper each time

I sit there and sob as the blood drips onto the floor and my arm.

Not even ten minutes later, Kit runs upstairs and starts banging on the door, calling for me asking if I did anything stupid

I feel faint and dizzy. I feel like I can't talk. Kit ends up breaking the lock off and walking in, kneeling next to me while crying

My wrists hurt so much. It's not as bad, though, as the betrayal.

Kit keeps calling my name, pulling me close to him. I can't really hear him

"I feel tired. I'm sorry..." I manage to whisper

Soon, I slump onto kits chest, and it all goes black