Oblivious

38 // Timelines blurred

Marcid
(adj.) withered; incredibly exhausted.

-Elijah-

The time reads 00:00.

It's Monday and I'm standing outside her door, flowers in one hand, her favourite sweets in the other.

It's Monday and she promised we'd talk on Monday.

So I'm standing outside her door in the dead of night, a little scared.

Completely terrified she's not going to answer. Or worse shut the door in my face.

Both are entirely plausible considering it's the dead of fucking night.

But I couldn't wait any longer.

The last day and a half have been torture. I haven't slept, hardly ate. And what I did manage to eat I just puked back up an hour later.

It's as though my body no longer knows how to function properly. My lungs have collapsed, oxygen being ripped away from me. She kept me grounded. And now shes gone. My survival relies entirely upon her. I'm completely and utterly at her mercy.

I can only pray she's merciful.

Though I do not deserve it.

I should've heard her out. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions and lost control. I should've listened to her, not that she needed to explain a damn thing.

We're not officially together. She knows I like her, I knew she liked me too, but we weren't official. There wasn't any labels.

She had every right to do whatever she wanted to do with whomever she's wants.

I'd have had no right to act the way I did even if something did happen. I know that now obviously. I wish I had figured it out then.

But emotions got the better of me. All I saw was him and her together. I knew he liked her. A part of me thought and still thinks she liked him too. And he was too close. Between her legs. She was shirtless and he was leaning down and the world seemed to tilt and spill over.

My world collapsed and time seemed to skip a beat. Move forward too fast while I was still standing in the past.

A part of me was there, shouting at her. Scaring her. Another part of me, a bigger part, was stuck in the past. Standing in the doorway of the hockey changing rooms, watching my then girlfriend straddle my then best friends lap. Watching as he kissed her neck and his hands roamed places only mine should've gone.

Time moulded together. Timelines blurred and everything seemed to happen at the same time. Half of me was there the other half stuck. All of me hurt and jealous and tripping over myself.

I'm a coward.

My hand falls, steps faltering as I move back to my car.

This was stupid and idiotic.

And I should've waited until an appropriate time to come over. But I couldn't seem to help myself. I really wanted to see her.