Oblivious

48 // To Speak or To Die

Nemesism
(n.) frustration, anger, or aggression directed inward, towards oneself and one's way of living

-Elora-

"What's worrying you?" Elijah asks, running his hand over the side of me. His head resting in the crook of my neck, eyes closed.

"Nothing." I lie, turning my head to kiss his hair. "Go to sleep."

"I can tell when you're lying Daze." I feel him frown against my skin. "Talk to me Elora."

Should I tell him? Spit it out and get it out in the open? But what if that only makes everything worse?

What if he gets mad? Or what if he thinks I'm being dramatic? He's already told me he didn't mean what he said so why can't I just forget about it?

Is it better to speak or to die?

"I know you've already said you didn't mean it but if you don't think them things why'd you say them?" I run my hands through his hair, feeling him still beneath me.

"Elora, baby."

"I'm sorry, forget I said anything." I struggle out of his hold, turn my back to him, face the wall.

Thought all cloudy. I knew I shouldn't have anything. Why do I always do this? Why do I have to mess everything up? Why can't I just accept what I have?

"Elora?" I feel the bed shift as he sits up, rubs at his eyes. He places a hand on my shoulder but I'm shrugging it off before he can pull me closer, turn me over and see the tears running down my cheeks.

God why do I have to cry at everything? Why do I have to be so god damn pathetic?

"I'm sorry." It's pathetic that I'm apologising for saying how I feel. And it's even more pathetic that I know it's pathetic and yet I continue to apologise because I don't know how to be anything other than pathetic. "I'm sorry."

Elijah turns me over, places his legs on either side of body to stop me from turning back around. His hand under my chin as he forces me to look at him.

"You've got nothing to apologise for Daze." He wipes at my cheeks, smiles down at me but it's not reassuring.

"I love you."

"That's not enough."

A sob ripples out of me and Elijah's pulling me up and holding me against him as I cry into his chest.

He says he loves but I can't believe that. And I forgive him but I can't forget.

He runs his hand through my hair, holds me against him as he kisses me atop my head. "Tell me how to fix and I'll fix it, okay? You just gotta tell me what to do Daze cause you're killing me here."

I pull away from him. Needing to get it out and over with because if I don't talk about it I'll never get over it. And I want to get over it. I want to be able to tell him I love him back and I want to be able to believe him when he says he loves me.

"Are you only with me because I'm pretty?"

"No." It's straight forward and fast. And easy. Confident. No hesitation.