Elude [H.S.]

FORTY-FIVE

*TW: Starts of a panic attack, extreme anxiousness*

My feet carry me around Harry's kitchen as I fumble around with dishes and bowls, preparing us a nice big breakfast. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I probably woke up every hour, and I would try to curl myself around Harry's sleeping form to fall back asleep, but I would struggle. Once it hit around eight in the morning, I decided to give up on any more sleep, and I pulled myself out of bed. I changed into some leggings and a big hoodie, and I went down the street to the market to grab everything I needed for what I had in mine for the spread I was making for us.

I didn't have any music on as I cooked - something extremely out of the ordinary for me. My mind was a bit too cluttered that I knew I wouldn't even be able to focus on whatever music I would decide on playing.

When I got back home, I changed back into one of Harry's shirts - needing that comfort to help me get through whatever was going on. I couldn't quite place why I was so uneasy. There were many factors that I could contribute to the anxiousness I was feeling.

I knew I was free from Conrad, so why did everything feel so overwhelming?

It was now close to ten, and I was surprised Harry wasn't awake yet. He usually never sleeps in this late, but even that has me feeling guilty because I know he has to be tired from everything that happened yesterday.

The guilt I had for pulling Harry into my mess has been nagging at me for some time, and after the events that have taken place over the last month or so - I feel even worse.

Who was I to think that I deserved someone like Harry after everything I've put him through? He didn't ask to fall in love with someone as damaged as I am, and whenever I think back to the beginning of our relationship, I should've let him go.

As happy as I am now with how things have turned out, and that I get to call him mine and he gets to call me his, I shouldn't have reconciled with him on New Years. I needed to stick with what I had told him previously when I left his apartment that one night - to stop treading on his happiness. Sure, I knew he broke things off with Natalia, but I'm sure there's someone else out there that's way better for him.

Someone not as damaged or fucked up in the head. Someone who is capable of a normal relationship, and hasn't been ruined.

I didn't even notice that I was crying until a small sob from my mouth brings me out of my mind.

"Fuck," I whisper, setting down the pan I had in my hands onto the counter. I had made fresh croissants from scratch, and they had just finished in the oven.

Lifting my hand, I wipe my cheeks and turn around - starting the coffee pot as I knew that all the food would be finished soon. I grip the counter in my hands, trying to calm myself down before I turn my attention back to pancakes I had cooking on the stove top. I bite down on my lower lip as I grab a spatula to flip the pancake that was currently in the pan.