Dawn of the Unconquered Sun (Part 8 of the Ignaius-Saga)

I want to believe

Meanwhile, Variel was waiting in his room, in his bed, just as he'd been told to. He was lounging against the pillows with a book open against his knees. He still looked rather relaxed, though the curiosity over what Tanier and Vis were discussing nagged at the back of his mind. It was only a small voice, fortunately, and he was mostly absorbed in the book as he waited.

Tanier couldn't help wondering, whom Vis was seeing, but decided it was not a good time to ask. He found the idea that Vis had been a member of the Disciples disquieting, and he could clearly connect his desire to know, whom Vis was seeing to this concern. But at the same time he did not want to make Vis feel like he did not trust him by bringing this up now.

When he found Variel in his bed reading, he stretched out on the bed as well.

"What about some food?" he asked. Their next appointment was in the afternoon. More often than not Tanier used lunch and dinner as an oportunity to meet people, but there was no reason, why the person he met could not be Variel now and then.

When Tanier walked into the room, Variel marked his page and set the book aside to give the king his attention. He rolled onto his side to face Tanier when he lay down and rested his head on the older man's shoulder, taking up an affectionate position. "That sounds good," he muttered, his tone indicating that he really didn't care what context in which they were spending time together. "Is... everything okay?" he then asked, referring to the talk the two older men had apparently just had.

Outside, they heard the front door of the suite close, signaling Vis's departure.

Now Tanier regretted postponing the talk. He obviously still kept underestimating, how easily Variel was worried about literally everything. So was everything okay? In his opinion it was. Aside of the detail that he had just found out that Vis was a Disciple. It probably did make a difference that he didn't share their believe, but the fact remained the same. And he had a conversation with Vis that he felt he could not have in front of Variel. But could he leave him out of this? It was all good and well to talk as if Variel wasn't a person as long as he had him tied up in his bed, but it wasn't okay now.

"Yes, it is," he replied, after hesitating. And probably hesitating too long again. "You probably noticed that what Vis said irritated me and I needed to talk."

Variel looked at Tanier for a long time, but he was thinking rather than studying the man. "I... don't really remember what he said," he finally admitted with a little blush. "I was sort of... elsewhere while you two were talking." He might have questioned, and still might later on, but for now Variel just lay his head back down and sighed. "Well, if everything is all right now, I suppose it doesn't matter. Shall we have lunch, then?" He could have just settled for cuddling in bed, but they did need to eat at some point.

Tanier called a servant, happy that Variel didn't insist, and ordered some food. Soon a selection of light dishes, bread and fruits arrived on a large tray. It was not exactly possible to eat and cuddle at the same time, but lying on the bed, close to each other, while they ate was almost as good. And it clearly influenced Taniers choice of a dessert, as he startet to play with Variel. His caresses and kisses spoke indeed more of a playful affection than sexual desire, not really surprising given their earlier activity. The analogy with a dessert was quite accurate: He was no longer hungry, but didn't want to stop, because it just tasted too good.

For the time being, Variel was actually relaxed enough to eat what seemed a healthy amount. He even managed to finish up his meal while Tanier started paying him such attention. However, he was quick to move the tray aside and tilt his head back in order to respond in kind.

"I love you..." It seemed the right thing to say, even more so now that they weren't on a high just after sex. The words were no less true in either situation, but saying them with a clearer head always felt like reassurance - or rather hearing them while the other had a clear head.

"I know," Tanier replied, not stopping the string of light kisses that he was applying to Variel's collarbone.

"And you know that I love you, too, don't you?"

What else should he say? At the same time, it didn't really cut it. He looked at Variel, smiling.

"You really find it difficult to believe how much you mean to me, right? You are aware that I left everything behind to come here with you? That you turned my whole life upside down? And that I love it?" Slightly joking, he added a moment later: "At least most of the time."

A soft laugh came from Variel to share in the little joke, but it only lasted a moment.

"And still you keep doubting," the older man onserved. "Why is this so difficult to believe?"

"It's not that I doubt you or what you say. I believe you, but... hearing you say it just... Well, it keeps this real to me..." Variel shut his eyes, trying to think of a way to explain himself. "It's the entire situation that seems so unbelievable to me... that someone could truly care for me this much. I know we don't have to say it, but it just... I don't know... They aren't words I'd ever said or heard before I met you."

Tanier now pulled Variel in his arms to hold him tight.

"I know that you are not doubting me, but rather the world in general. If you believe it or not: I am convinced your family loves you as well. They just have a hard time to express it. Admittedly they also have a hard time to accept you, but you can hardly blame them for being not much wiser than most people around them and for sharing their prejudices. I am pretty sure Vis either loves you or will love you soon. And if I am not mistaken, there are tons of people who find you adorable. Even you must have noticed, how people look at you here. A lot different than they used to back home, if you ask me."

Admittedly, people still looked at Variel as a curiosity most of the time. But this was not only a completely different story, but also much better than the contempt that seemed to follow him around in The Realm.

Variel curled up into a ball in Tanier's arms. He wasn't frightened or upset, but it was still comforting no matter his mood. "Yes, I know things are different here. As for my family, I know that Core cares, and... I suppose my father does on some level, though it's hard to know for sure - especially now. I doubt Vance ever did, and my other two brothers... I don't know, I guess they'd notice if something happened to me. Mother... Well, sometimes it's hard to tell whether or not she cared about any of us, but whenever I was around her, I always felt like I was annoying her, even if I wasn't doing anything..." He trailed off into pensive silence for a few seconds, then sighed and adjusted himself as if to return his focus to the man holding him. "That doesn't really matter now, though. I'm yours... I don't have to worry about whether or not my family approves of me anymore."

"Probably at some point you will have to deal with it again. But not now!"

He squeezed Variel and put another kiss on his cheek, then let go.

"We should get up and get ready. Councilman Erkim-Naseta is expecting us."