"Baby, are you awake?" The first words out of your mouth. You didn't move all night. No wonder! you were well and truly fucked to within an inch of your life last night. Your arms are still heavy. Turning round, 'what?, where is he' you think. Putting you hands out to feel the bed next to you to confirm what your eyes are seeing (or not seeing). It's cold, but, really cold, like there's been no one sleeping there at all. You look around the room. His clothes are gone. Your dress is draped over the chair he had sat in, your heels next to it. You can't understand it.
You look for your phone, once you have it, you call him.
"The number you dialled is not receiving calls at this time." An automated voice speaks into your ear.
You try again. Same thing. So weird.
A Christmas ringtone goes off.
You yelp and try to answer it.
Fingers fumbling.
"Hello, hey, hi" you splutter.
"Hey, good Morning, well almost afternoon, happy new year" Nicole's voice is light and bright.
"Hi, yeah, happy new year." Your disappointed but you have to disguise it.
"Hey beautiful, how was your night? We got in around 3 I think. I must have crashed hard coz I've literally just opened my eyes" You ask.
"I've got some free time today you wanna do lunch?" She ask.
"Of course, I can't wait to see you. Where do you want to go?" You reply.
It's decided the hotel restaurant is your lunch venue for the day. So your going to meet there just before 12.
The girls are in the sitting area when you come out of your room.
"Lee was just going to come and see if you guys wanted a coffee?" Jade winks.
"No. No coffee for me, I'm going to have lunch with Nicole, see you guys in a little bit" you walk towards the door.
"Your leaving him sleeping. Damn, you must have tired him out" continues Jade.
"No. He's not in there. He left earlier" you manage to keep a smile in place, swallowing back the emotions that want to dance over your face. "I will fill you in when I get back, love ya'll". You make a quick exit.
Where is he and why did he not wait for me to wake up? These questions spin around your head. But your going to have to put them to the back of your head. Nicole doesn't know about that aspect of your friendship with Hoseok.
She's already at the table. She stands to greet you. "Hey Huni"
The waiter takes your drinks order and leaves.
"I can't believe how stunning that dress was, you all looked beautiful but that dress, you really should wear bold colours more" you spend some time talking about how you felt in the dress and how you really weren't sure about it but eventually how you rocked it anyway. You guys laugh about past times and have a really lovely lunch.
It's almost 2pm and she suddenly realises "shit, I forgot, Jhope gave me this to give to you. He said, he hopes you have a great flight and that it was great seeing you."
Your stomach almost falls out your ass. Your hands are sweaty and fingers trembling.
So she has seen him today?
Fuck.
You take it from her. Run your fingers over the handwriting. Your name on the outside of the envelope. "Aw thank you, that's sweet of him." You decide against opening it, unsure of what's inside. Probably just a quickly scribbled note about how his phones broken. You tell yourself.
"I better get going, my flights in a few hours, I only have hand luggage so don't have to leave right away, but there will, no doubt, be traffic." You get up and give your friend a long hug. "It was really great seeing you. I've got a few contracts that run back to back but I'm hoping to come to Seoul in March or April. You know I love spring time"
Clutching the envelope you head to the elevators, Nicole gets off at Bangtan's floor. You cant help yourself but look along the corridor. He's not there.
"Bye" she waves.
The doors close and you press your floor.
You debate with yourself for a millisecond whether or not to open the envelope.
Of course you open it.
Bad decision.
"Hi, Where to start.
Well there's a lot happened. I'm spending the day with my sister. So won't be around to see you off before your flight.
I'm sorry. I know your sorry. We are both sorry.
I'm sorry that I'm not able to tell you this in person. I want for you to be happy and I don't think that's going to be possible if I'm around you if I'm honest. We tried the friendship thing and that worked for a while. Things got difficult when we crossed that line. I pushed for it and I take responsibility for that. Believe me, I wish I hadn't.
I believed you when you told me your sorry, and that it just happened. I don't believe that you want to be with my brother or that you hold any affection for him other than, he is my brother.
It still hurts.
I can't tell you what to do next. But I can say that I want you to be happy and heal.
Jhope.
You make it back to your room. Walking past the girls and head right under your blanket.
You have fucked it. You love him and he said he loves you but he can't even look at you to tell you goodbye.
The pain.
You didn't cry when you found out about DongJin and you were with him for years. Why are you so upset about Hoseok. A fresh wave of tears run down your face.
The girls come and lay with you. They don't ask questions. They don't comment. They just lay with you. Letting you feel your feelings. Time passes, you don't know how much. But your wrapped in love and feel safe.
Your alarm sounds. Time to get to the airport.
You give the girls some lame excuse that even though he makes you happy, that you still need to heal and its better that you do that without the distraction of a new guy.
Your not sure they believe you but now your just too tired to care. They walk you down to reception and out to the car. "Call us when you land. Where are you going anyway?" Lee asks.
"I'm off to France, for just over a month. Its almost fashion week and they will need linguistic support. Then I'm off to Argentina for 6 weeks. A teaching gig. After that, I've got something I need to do in Seoul. It's unavoidable, Djs kindly sent my lawyer and email with my name attached to it with a summons for court. If i get through that and dont end up behind bars myself, i want to see Nicole if she's not busy. I love the spring."
In the car, you try not to cry. You fail..
Waiting for your boarding call, you watch the people around you. Once one of your favourite pastimes, now you just want to close your eyes and shut everyone out.
When you take your seat on the plane, you think, soon you will be hurtling through the air in a metal tube at a few hundred miles an hour. 'It may be your time.'
>brain, fuck that's a dark thought.
>kitty, well I can go out happy. I'm a little tender though.
>heart. Look hold it together. Some space could be a good thing.
The cabin crew come round with complimentary drinks and snack. You order a second drink, a double whisky. You just want to be unconscious, that way you wont have to think.
Landing in Paris, having had time to think, as there was no sleep to be had. The sandman must have been on a different flight or passed you by.
Maybe he couldn't get over Jin.
Maybe he didn't really love you at all. Maybe he was too busy to see you. You check your phone. No messages from him. No missed calls. No updates on his official Instagram. He's either blocked you or deleted his private account.
This pisses you off to the point where you turn off notifications on Instagram for the whole group. You even log out of Instagram. If he wont reach out to me, I'm not going to make it easy for me to reach out t him. Blocking his account doesn't make it feel any less painful, but you feel like its drawing a line.
Goodbye to him. Time to focus on you.
Time to heal.
YOU ARE READING
Fresh Hope
Romansaseason 2 of your kdrama life. There's music and memories with your name on it. Don't forget to add that you don't make things easy for yourself. But hey, you like it hard!
