permanent price ✷ alex karev

041. free

"free"
by florence + the machine

"  sometimes, i wonder if i should be medicated
if i would feel better just slightly sedated
the feeling comes so fast and i cannot control it
i'm on fire, but i'm trying not to show it
...
i'm always running from something
i push it back, but it keeps on coming
and being clever never got me very far
because it's all in my head
"you're too sensitive," they said
i said, "okay, but let's discuss this at the hospital"
...
is this how it is?
is this how it's always been?
to exist in the face of suffering and death
and somehow keep singing? "

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

season 4, episode 3
let the truth sting

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

as it turns out, it's kind of hard to avoid someone you not only live with but also work with. eleanor feels like she might be going insane because it seems like alex and her are running into each other more now that they're broken up than they did when they were together. 

people--especially izzie--keep asking her how she's feeling, and she tells them she's fine and leaves it at that, despite the mutual understanding that she's lying. 

she's not fine, and that's clear, but it's not exactly like she was fine before they broke up. in fact, nothing had really changed since alex had ended things. the same unending emptiness was present, she was still just coasting through her life. the only difference was now she was sleeping alone at night, and most nights she barely slept anyway, so that didn't really matter either.

it scared her how little it all seemed to matter.

alex, the man she loved more than anyone else, could no longer handle being with her and she couldn't even feel that. her self-destructiveness had made her so self-absorbed it was like she couldn't care about anything more than hating herself. which was so disgusting it made her hate herself even more. 

they had broken up twice now, which was beginning to be embarrassing. they were adults, yet they couldn't get their shit together long enough to maintain a relationship better than high school kids. 

the hardest part was she knew alex was right. something needed to change, because she wasn't getting any better. the problem was she didn't want the help. asking for help would require her to address all of her deepest feelings and fears, which was something she wasn't ready to do. she wished it was as simple as taking a pill, a tiny little capsule capable of erasing all of the pain. but unfortunately, that wasn't how it worked. no anti-depressant or benzodiazepine was capable of wiping away the past, and she wasn't capable of facing it. so until she was ready to do that, she was stuck.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

"bryant, li, scott, sutton! let's move, c'mon." eleanor called out impatiently, forcing her interns to quit their gossip and quickly scurry over. she could only imagine what exactly it was they were talking about, considering there was always drama going on in the hospital. she wondered if this set of interns had as much chaos as they did. this time though, she assumed they were talking about her because they had been staring her down before she interrupted them.