TRAPPED

I am Just Fucked Up

"The worse feeling is realising that you were never actually getting better, you were just distracted."

Dalam seminggu terakhir, jari kelingking dan telunjukku tergores mata pisau chopper. It's not that hurt, actually. I'm just being dramatic, like usual. But I let myself being hurt for a moment. I let myself felt the pain. I let myself sigh many times. And at that time, I realized that I'm not a fan of self-harm. I often imagine that. And it feels so so bad. No matter how sink my heart is, I will never let my ego to hurt my body, tho.

I hate scars. I hate them so much. I hate how ugly it looks on my left leg, on my both wrist, on my right cheek, on my thumb.. on my heart.

I still feel the pain. I am grieving everyday. I just don't want to forget my dad, my grandpa, or even my old self. But I am starting to forget everything about them and I hate for being so senile. What happened with my brain?! I lose everything. I am not that smart. Not anymore. I am not that innocent. Not anymore. I am caught of guard by my old self for being totally dumb in the future. In this life. Right now.

I don't know what to do. I don't have dreams like before. All I wish is that I can live my life in a calmness of mind. I know, it's not spesific. But I'm just done with spesificity. I don't even know what my dream job is. I don't have an idea about how I can survive after graduated. I feel stupid, useless, and meaningless.

I am just fucked up. Periodt.

p.s. and I am just asking to Allah.. I believe that Allah knows best for me. So, can I leave it up on Him instead of choosing my own path? I am bad at making right desicion.

Rumah, 18 Dec 2023