Nothing Left To Break

38

A few hours later the two sit in Angharads kitchen. The twins had been put to bed an hour ago and they had just been sitting in silence since then. Both mustering up the courage to begin this difficult conversation.

"Drink?" Tommy asks, breaking the silence, and noticing that she hadn't had one.

Her face contorts slightly as she frowns.

"I don't drink anymore" she states, bringing her head up to look at him.

"Now that's a first" he says. Motherhood must have really fucked with her brain. Either that or Tommy. He was telling himself that it was the first option.

"Right let's get this over with" Angharad says, ignoring his stare that was really beginning to piss her off.

"Do you want to go first or shall I?" Tommy asks, lighting up a cigarette. His first one for a couple of hours seeing as whenever he had lit one Lani would snatch it out of his hand and curse him for smoking in front of the children.

"I can" Angharad starts, taking a sip of her tea, she once again brings her eyes up to Tommy. She hates to admit it but she really did miss him.

"I want you to understand why I left. I know that it hurt you. But I had to be selfish. I had to have these first few months in peace. Learning about my Father, speaking fucking welsh. Being happy" she begins, setting her tea down and leaning forward in her chair. "But secondly, you really hurt me Tommy. I know that wasn't your intention, but that man haunts me. Just seeing him again bought that all back, and I couldn't deal with the fact that you caused that" she speaks, laying out all the facts so that he couldn't argue with her points. She wasn't going to bullshit the man. It would just make her feel worse.

Tommy takes another puff of his cigarette before speaking himself.

"I know that I hurt you, and I regret it every fucking day" Tommy speaks, spitting slightly on the words. He was angry. Not with Lani, but with himself. He had fucked everything up. "And I am so sorry. You didn't deserve that. But I want to know those kids, and the non drinking Leilani" he says, smirking slightly at his last point.

"I've missed you" he says softly, leaning forward and holding Lani's hands, putting his cigarette out beforehand.

They stay in that position for a few minutes. Angharad was happy he was here. She had missed him too. This parenting shit was hard by herself. She had missed him when she was up for the tenth time that night, or when there was a particularly dirty diaper that needed to be changed. Or when she was overthinking and just needed him. She found herself doing that a lot. Longing for Thomas Shelby to tell her that she was safe and that it was going to be okay.

"There's something you should know" Tommy speaks again. Angharad felt her stomach drop at that moment. Not again. Couldn't they just live in denial and be happy? It would be so much easier. She didn't want him to hurt her again.

She nods her head, encouraging him to proceed.

"While you were gone I went through a dark time" he starts, gripping onto Lani's hands a bit tighter now. Afraid that she would pull away and leave again.

"I got married"

And there it was. The pit grew in her stomach and Angharad found herself longing to be swallowed up by it.

"To Grace. We had a child, then a few months ago she left. They both left, without another word" he says, searching her eyes for any indication of how she was feeling. He couldn't tell. He couldn't read her anymore.

"So you came to look for me and my kids as a second option" she spits, taking her hands away from him and lighting up her own cigarette. She now only smoked occasionally when she was stressed or couldn't sleep.

"Our kids" Tommy says calmly, looking at the woman with tired eyes. He was emotionally and physically exhausted. But so was she.

"No. You're legally married Tom, they are my kids. And they, as well as I, will not be a second choice" Angharad says, spitting out the words harshly as she gets up from her chair and grabs his coat from the coat hanger.

"You really think that?" Tommy speaks, it was as though he was out of breath, the way he was speaking. Like he had just run a hundred miles to find her, only to be disappointed.

"How long did it take until you were married?" Angharad asks.

Tommy could read her now. It was like she had fire in her eyes. He had never seen her like this, this angry. She had always shown her emotions by being upset or swearing at him. This was more scary than when she had put a bullet through his foot.

"That's not the point. I didn't love her, Lani. I just needed a distraction to deal with the fact that I lost you." He pleads, beginning to get worked up himself.

"So you had a fucking kid?!" She shouts. As soon as she does she regrets it as she hears the two very familiar cried coming from the twins room.

Without saying anything she leaves the room, hoping that by the time she gets back he is gone.

He doesn't leave. He sits and ponders his decisions with a mean expression on his face. He had ruined everything. Why couldn't he just chase after her as soon as she left. He hated himself for what he's done to her. He hated himself for hurting her. Would it have been better to just leave her as she was? Not made any contact and left her to live her life? Was he selfish for finding her?

After a while of contemplating Lani still hadn't returned. Therefore he momentarily put his thoughts aside and got up from his chair, making his way down the small corridor to the twins room. He had guessed that was their room seeing as he could hear the stifled sound of Lani's comforting voice and one set of tears. She must have been successful with one of them.

Opening the door he walks in and assesses the situation. Lani was bent over the crib, placing one of the children in their bed. The other beginning to fall back to sleep.

"Dwi'n caru ti" I love you. She whispers softly as she takes a step away from the crib. As she turns around Tommy can see the dried tears on her face. She was putting on a brave face for her children.

Her children, not theirs.