𝐃𝐄𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒 | 𝐁𝐗𝐁

ＥＩＧＨＴＥＥＮ

"A guy who said he was straight put his dick in your mouth in the school's public shower?"

"Quiet," I warned Luke, as he was about to spit out the sandwich he was gnawing on, "I don't know what this is about yet."

"You swallowed his cum, but you don't know what it's all about?"

"Matt is complicated," I said, swinging my feet on the bench we were sitting on, "I have no doubt he's straight because he's still dating Camilla."

"But he cheated on her with you." Luke swallowed a large piece of his lunch as he shook his shoulders, "You should talk to him."

"I can't," I jumped out. "We're in a weird enough situation right now and we're leaving with the team for our first game on Monday."

"You two are going out of town with the team..." Luke muttered as he turned his eyes to the sky as if he was thinking about something, "Georgetown might be a good opportunity to talk to him. You know, it's a dark bus and Matt will definitely be your seatmate."

"If I ask what's going on between us..." I grumbled, looking down at my feet, "He must think I like him."

"You don't?" Luke ignored a group of Boy Scouts passing by our bench and shouted, "For God's sake, honey, you're sucking the dude's dick, but can't you ask him what it means?"

Because all male sex was so new and scary to me, I quickly put my hand over his mouth, "Shut up, people are looking at us!"

"Then do what you have to do!" He yelled at me, "Go home and ask that jerk what he wants to do with you. He needs to make a decision Ben, I'm sorry..."

***

I thought about it until I came back from the park. I refused to get on the bus and wanted to be alone until I got home. My thoughts. Luke might have been a little crazy, but he wasn't wrong. I continue to live in the same house as Matt, I know he has a girlfriend, but I'm still an idiot who doesn't mind taking his dick in my mouth in the shared shower. It must have fascinated me. But even if I decided to talk to him, what would I ask? Why did you do this? I'm not even sure you know the answer.

Deciding that it was the perfect day to make a bad decision, I walked into the pizzeria around the corner from our house. This was Matt's favorite. We often ordered food from here. I bought a Hawaiian for him and a Margherita for myself and left the street to go home. 

Who needs pineapple on their pizza? But Matt was an unconventional man in every way, and that was just one of the unique traits that made him who he was.

I entered the house with hot pizza boxes in my hands.

When I couldn't see Matt in the living room, I poked my head into the hallway and saw that his room door was closed and some annoying rap music was coming from inside. No, with Camilla? Anyway, I wasn't going to let anything stop me tonight, so I walked up to Matt's door, boxes in hand, and knocked softly once, "Matt, are you free?"

"Come in." The muffled voice coming from behind the door was unreadable.

I opened the door with my elbow and walked in. The man in a black T-shirt and torn jeans was lying on the bed. One arm was curled behind his head, the other hand was holding a stupid comic book. When I entered the room, he turned one eye towards me but went back to his comic book without saying anything. 

Then, as the unnerving silence dragged on, he decided to speak. "Do you want something?"

This question was enough to get on my nerves at once. Somehow I felt like I shouldn't be there, that I wasn't wanted. Redundancy or something like that. You know the feeling, it sucks. "I was thinking we could talk a little..." I finally stuttered, "I got pizza, it's your favorite."

"I am not hungry." A shitty one-word answer. Why does it hurt so much?

As my feet continued to hold me there, Matt turned his head slightly towards me on the pillow to give me an odd look. Then, with a resigned sigh, he sat down on the bed, pressing his palms against the sheets, "What do you want to talk about?"

"I..." I placed the pizza boxes on his desk and pressed my cold palms together, "This is about what happened in the shower."

Matt jumped so fast I almost thought he was about to punch me. But he didn't. He stood up, stood across from me, raised his hand slightly before crossing his arms, "Look, man, I've only ever been into you because I thought you were into guys. I know it's annoying, and I'm sorry. But what happened yesterday morning... I, I'm not gay."

"Okay..." I felt my face turn pale for no reason, I was just staring at the ground.

"It was just a try," he continued, "I heard you fags do it better than anyone else, and I wanted to try it. But I didn't like it. It's definitely better with Camilla."

I didn't say anything. I'd like to say it didn't look like it at all when he shoved himself down my throat in the shower and I swallowed his cum, but what's the point?

"I love her."

My eyes involuntarily slowly rose towards his face. He didn't look at me. While saying this, he was looking somewhere else and trying to ignore me. "Of course..." I said, smiling slightly to mask the unfounded disappointment in my voice, but I knew my voice was cracking because there was a huge lump sitting right in the middle of my throat, "Of course you love her, Matt, I was just wondering..."

"There's no need," he interrupted me, his eyes now crashing into mine and they were empty inside, black and empty, like a blind well. "I don't want you to get close to me from now on. You can continue to stay here because I know you have nowhere better to go. If you want to continue living with that fag, that's your business, of course. But from now on, the two of us are nothing more than teammates and roommates."

"But, us..."

"No." He quickly shot back, "There's no such thing as you and me, Ben. I'm a straight man and I don't care what you are. I'm not into you."

"I understand exactly what you mean."

I wasn't even sure if he heard my voice, it was so quiet. I've embarrassed myself in front of him hundreds of times and I've certainly never been this humiliating. But more importantly, it was the crack in my soul when he told me he was in love with Camilla. I don't know why I felt that way, I just knew my eyes were getting wet.

I turned around to leave his room for no reason. Matt didn't say anything, I never expected him to say anything or stop me. I went out into the living room, closed the door, and went to my room as quickly as I could. When I entered, I barely leaned against the door, I tried to breathe, but it was impossible.

I closed my eyes and let what followed flow freely. In fact, I didn't even know why I was crying for my roommate, who tied me naked to a pole, made his teammates take a video of me, brutalized me, threatened me, and then acted like nothing was wrong. Maybe I deserved all this. 

I should never have listened to Luke, I should never have asked Matt what was going on in his head. I did gain one thing though, at least I knew I no longer had a place in his life. I think I was someone he accepted into his home out of pity.

Under the circumstances, the thought of being with him on a bus to Georgetown on Monday made my blood run cold.