𝐃𝐄𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒 | 𝐁𝐗𝐁

ＦＩＦＴＥＥＮ

The next day I concentrated on the lesson and tried to keep him out of my thoughts. Why did he kiss me? I was sure he wasn't gay, just as I wasn't gay. But things must have turned around at some point, he must have gotten very drunk or something like that. He was disappointed by his girlfriend, too horny or whatever. I didn't even know why I was thinking this.

After leaving campus, I was in no rush to go home. I chose to walk rather than go to the bus stop just outside the university, and while I was wrapped in a soft scarf, I felt a little bitter about a thought that haunted me on the crowded streets. Luke... I didn't even thank him properly and he never returned my messages. So I felt like we had an unspoken problem and this time I decided to look for it.

Although not on the first ring, he answered the phone after a few small insistence warnings. He sounded sleepy. "Hi, whats up?"

"Hello Luke." I scratched my head as I entered the small park where people were wandering around the artificial lake, "We haven't talked in a while and I... I was just wondering..."

"Are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah, I... Wait, why do you think I'll only call you when I'm bad?"

"I don't know," he said slowly, his voice a little colder and fuzzier than usual, "How are things going at home? Matt... Is he okay?"

Matt. Damn Matt. Last night our mouths were locked together like a curse. "He's fine, we haven't killed each other yet, but Matt isn't the reason I called you."

"Isn't he?"

"You're not looking at my messages," I complained, "But that's okay. I just wanted to talk in person if it was okay with you. Drinking coffee and talking, you know."

"Sounds like a date." Luke mocked his deep voice, "Where are you?"

"I'm at the park. When can you be here?"

"As soon as possible."

The phone hung up and I walked aimlessly, without a specific goal, to briefly rehearse what I was going to say in my head before Luke arrived. The clean, cool autumn air felt so good. I had to clear my head before I saw Matt again. But I knew I was dying to ask him why what happened last night. Then I thought, what will change in the conversations about this issue? Hasn't this all gotten embarrassing enough?

A straight man with a girlfriend. He plays basketball, gets drunk with his bad friends. Also, I... I don't know what happened to me. I'm too shameless to get a man off my mind.

After a while, a hand was placed on my shoulder and I turned around to see Luke's glowing face staring back at me. "Hi buddy," he said to me, trying to prove he was running a marathon just to catch his breath, "How are you?"

"Calm down," I said, placing a hand on the bent man's shoulder, holding his bent knees. "How about coffee?"

"That would be great." He started walking with me on the lake shore. After a refreshing ten-minute walk, we bought ourselves a cappuccino from the small coffee shop in the park and started walking again.

I smiled, a little embarrassed that he bought it for me. "How's it going?" he asked, looking off into the distance and taking a sip of his coffee. "Does Matt continue to be rude to you?"

"I don't want to talk about Matt today."

He raised his eyebrows suspiciously before nodding, "So, how are things with the team?"

"This has to do with Matt, too," I quickly protested and then blurted out awkwardly, "I missed you..." Why did I do this?

He was a little surprised at first, but then a wide smile appeared on his face, "I missed you too, buddy."

I stopped and let him do the same. Now we were face to face. I saw a woman with a dog walking past us openly smiling at us and I ignored it. What did we look like from the outside? A gay couple? Fuck it. "I kissed Matt," I breathed in one breath.

I was in absolute horror as I watched Luke's poor feet take a step back. "Why are you telling me this?"

"How did you discover you were gay?"

He looked confused. Not in a good way. "Why do you ask that, Ben?"

"I don't know..." I choked out in despair, short of breath, and put my hand to my chest, "I don't know, Luke, how did you figure that out? I... I don't know... I'm confused and..."

"Are you in love with Matt?"

At this obvious question, I felt my ears ringing and a huge lump settle in my throat. My stomach tightened, something in my soul screamed. My hands were empty, as if I were in a car speeding off a cliff. What's this?

"I'm a man..." I breathed quietly, "How could I fall in love with another man?"

"We fall in love with personalities," he said slowly, "Not with genders."

Suddenly his hand settled on one of my wrists, but I didn't have enough time to be shocked by his touch. He pulled me towards one of the lakeside benches. I sat down and he sat down next to me and grinned goofy as he crossed one leg over the other and ruffled his hair, "I've been down this road before, Ben, and believe me, if you want me to help you, you have to start by being honest with yourself. How often do you think about him?"

"Always..." The answer came so suddenly it was hard to believe I said it out loud. "But he has a girlfriend," I quickly added, "So I'm pretty sure Matt isn't gay."

"Did he push you when you kissed him? Did he at least try?"

I shook my head very quickly, "No, he kissed me. Sensually. For God's sake, Luke, it definitely didn't look like an exploratory kiss. He kissed me, you know, pressing our cocks together and..." I quickly had to cover my mouth with my hand. This is a shame.

"So the only reason you believe he's a straight man is because of his fucking girlfriend?"

The thought was shocking enough, so I stared blankly at his face for a moment, "Matt hates gays. Remember how he treated you the day you came to our apartment. He's the most homophobic bastard I've ever met."

"Or some poor guy who wears a homophobic mask and doesn't want to admit he's not straight enough." Luke shook his shoulders.

"I live in the same house with him," I insisted, "We play on the same team. And I don't even know how to act about it. Should I talk about the kiss last night? Do you think he'll beat me?"

"Why don't you just let things happen?"

"I can't," I protested immediately, "I'm dying to wait and see what happens, but it could all go over the edge."

"Then you can move in with me again," he shrugged, "I don't believe he loves his girlfriend. He's probably a dominant but doesn't realize it."

At that moment, I blushed because of a thought that came to my mind, "What about you?"

"Me?" He gave a brief chuckle, "I'm on both sides of that. I'd say I'm both active and passive. Roles change all the time. It depends on who you like to do what with."

"Have you ever?" I asked, blushing incredibly. "Have you fucked a man?"

"You're a cute bottom," he teased, then pulled out his phone.

Throughout the rest of the day, Luke told me about some of the apps he uses to meet men. I think it was one of the dating apps you used to meet gay people in your area. I found this strange and refreshing at the same time. I felt like I was stepping into a new world, completely alive inside. Luke opened up this crazy world to me, he was kind of like a teacher, a mentor. A lively user guide for beginners.

But in reality, I didn't even know if I wanted to walk through the door he opened. Will I do this? With Matt?

What does Matt think about me?