Deviants Fallen: A DBH Story

Chapter 39: Shattered

Connor lost track of how long he sat there, unmoving, unthinking, unbreathing, unable to do anything as over and over, he watched her collapsed in his arms, eyes wide, face twisted in agony, convulsing, dying.

That memory was interlaced with others that assaulted him. Their words whispered harsh in his ears, echoing around in his head, ringing in an onslaught of accusation.

Eli's words. His dark gaze. "Do you enjoy watching the people around you suffer for your mission? Does it give you some sadistic pleasure, knowing you could help them but choosing not to, or are you just so afraid of failure that you lose track of everything else? Don't you feel even the slightest twinge of guilt knowing that you risk their lives, these living, breathing people, every time you choose your mission over them? Don't you feel anything?"

Connor did feel. A confusing whirlwind of emotions stormed inside him, too tangled for him to sort.

He had just stood there and watched when Clara had asked him to help. But it wasn't his fault, was it? He'd given her a chance. A chance to tell them what they wanted to know without getting hurt. He'd just been following orders.

You're a coward, Connor.

He didn't have a choice. If he hadn't turned her in, he'd have been deactivated. He would have sacrificed his own life to save hers. That was the only option, wasn't it? There hadn't been another way. And, to go against Amanda...

No.

More of Dr. Hayes' words came flooding into his mind. The words she'd spoken to him when they'd threatened her with the chip. "Remember, Connor. There's always a choice. And you chose to watch them threaten me today. You can blame your programming or your mission, but that was you. Some part of you knows that you can break the wall. One day you'll realize that, but for now, you've chosen to ignore it."

No. That couldn't be true. If it was, then that meant this was his fault. Everything was his fault. She was dying, and it was his fault. Hank had nearly died, and it was his fault. He'd killed Markus, Simon, nearly Kara, and so many others. And now Clara.

If only he'd never met her in the first place. If only he'd listened all those times she'd tried to convince him. If only he'd never told Amanda his suspicions.

He should have done better. He should have been good enough to find the answers before it came to this. He failed, and now she was paying the price.

If he'd accepted her offer that morning. If he'd gone with her and left Cyberlife behind. If only...

More of Eli's words broke in, winding through his head like the hiss of a snake. "She's tried so hard to work with you. She's given you so many chances. Despite everything she's been through, she still believes the best in people, including you. But you betrayed that. You betrayed her."

Connor squeezed his eyes shut, trying in vain to block out the next words. But they came through anyway, a harsh echo in his head that left a trail of cracked glass in its wake.